contradicting.

dear god, i plead to you. please do not put me on the cross roads again. i missed him once and do not want to missed him again. i asked for one to love me but you gave me a choice. how generous of you, dear God. thank you but it is not helping when i have to weigh the pros and cons. contradicting, love is not about the pros and cons. you come to love not by finding the perfect person but by accepting the imperfections of that person.

i was taught through life experiences that love hurts. who is willing to change those teachings?

ihateyou.

ihateyou. ihateyou. ihateyou.

ihateyou for entering my life.
ihateyou for making me fall for you.
ihateyou when i had to choose.
ihateyou when you left and never came back.
ihateyou when iloveyou.
ihateyou for the games you are playing.
ihateyou so much that it hurts to love you any further.

dear God, please don't let me hate him until it hurts too much to love.

turmoil.

there are two kind of worlds: one we dream about and the real one. how does one differentiate when both worlds seemed surreal? when one dreams, one hope for the dream to come true. when the real world is harsh, one falls back into dreams.

the future with you is what i dream. what i am having with you now, all seem surreal. you told me that i'm single but unavailable and you tell me you want me. you got me confuse.

but darling, i got you figured out. tell me what differs you from the others??! all they want is every part of me except for one, my heart. the same theory can be applied for you.

you put me through the roller coaster of feelings. you made me feel high for you and you can make me detest you the most. stop all the games you are playing. i'm tired. you have the right to be text-ing any girls you want, date whoever you love but stop putting me through this turmoil.

just what did i do to deserve the hot-cold treatment from you??

i'm so shagged, all i want to do is momentarily disappearing from the surface of the earth.

dear God, please give me the strength to pull through this ordeal. i need to get over him. he shall not have a hold of me. i need to get a move on with my life.

hoping.

who am i kidding saying i'm busy with work and studies? who am i kidding saying i'm too busy to date? all i'm doing is kidding myself. it is a joke God is playing on me. laughing out loud, dear God. it is a funny joke! truth behold, i'm still hoping against hope. waiting. wishing upon the shooting stars. doing all what i don't believe in. all, but telling him how much i still want him back in my life. telling him just how much i'm still in love with him. every morning, hoping there would be a window seat, just so i could catch a glimpse of you at the bus stop. again, i'm hoping against hope. and wishing upon the shooting stars. just one thing which never had occurred to me, GIVE UP!! kill all the feelings of love and missing him. what he is worth for anyway? in which part of his anatomy would i even co-exists? NONE.

deleting all those jerks number off, stop meeting people and let work keep me sane. a joke on myself. this isn't me. this is NOT me.

just what was i thinking? not dating. not meeting new people. all i'm doing is waiting. and waiting for you.

you're a thing from the past, collecting dust in the attic. that is where you should be placed.

vague.

unmotivated. stress.
all seem vague for a moment. something is amiss in this busy life i hate leading. too much is going on at a time. pushing all thoughts out of the cluttered mind, only one had remained stubbornly. tried as i might to shoo him away from the mind, he stays in the heart now. bleargh!

memories of past were vague, thought farid gave me the best four years of my youth. i was wrong. someone gave me the best month of my 22-going-23 years old of my life. though it was short lived, it was the best relationship i had. it was my mistake. been questioning the inner being, why does he have to remain at the place which was suppose to be left empty.

an overstayer. but, imissyou.



psst....





iloveyou.

solitary.

loneliness is the best friend, cause whether you're with someone or not, it will always be there waiting for you, it is the one thing that can never be taken away from you, and the lesson is to face it, befriend it, and become a stronger person as a result, and then be supremely happy being alone, and then love will walk into your life when you're not searching for it.

it had been a quiet week. he seem to fade away by the day. though at times i still do miss him.

mama asked me, "adik, who are you dating now?" i was dumb at first. i told mama, "your daughter has a heart of stone. and time isn't with me to be dating."

after my unsuccessful 4.5 years relationship, dating and seeing guys had open a whole new world of jerks for me. only a handful of them i can proudly call them my friends. just in 2009, i fall for 2 wrong guys. well, they say, you meet a whole lot of wrong guys before you meet the right one. as for me, 2 wrong guys are good enough for me to learn a lesson from. i'm learning to be supremely happy being alone.

you came and went as you pleased,
leaving excuses on your way out,
you came only when you needed me.
you went when you were satisfied.
tell me, what differs you from the rest?

fade.

it's over. he's gone.
why do we have to part while the love is still there?
why do we have to suffer?
why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye?
why do beginnings have an end?
why do we have to meet only to lose in the end?
there are questions left unanswered,
words left unsaid,
letters left unread,
poems left undone,
songs left unsung,
love left unexpressed,
promises left unfulfilled.

in a relationship,
one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go.
it is as hard as breaking a crystal because
you'll never know when youwill be able to pick up the pieces again.
more often than not, they who go,
feel not the pain of parting
it is they who stay behind that suffer,
because they are left with memories of a love
that was meant to be,
a love that was.

at the beginning and at the end of a relationship,
we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone.
unfair as it may seem, but that's the way love goes.
that's the drama, the bittersweetand the risk of falling in love.
after all, nothing is constant but change.
everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when,
without us knowing how, without us even knowing why.
and we must forget not because we have to
but because we need to.

in letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in batallion.
it seems that everywhere you go,
everything you do,
every song you hear,
every turn of your head,
every move of your body,
every beat of your heart,
every blink of your eye and
every breath you take always reminds you of him.
it's like a stab of a knife,
a torture in the night.
funny how the whole world becomes depopulated
when only one person is missing.
just imagine,
there are billion people on earth and yet it seems
you feel lonely and empty without the other.

i don't know if it's worth calling an art,
but letting go entails special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time.
time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part.
acceptance plays a part.
not all love stories end with"...and they live happily ever after."
sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control.
we have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others.
we have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains.
every beginning has its end
like every dawn has its dusk.
it's something we can't control,
something we had to live up.

it's over. he's gone.
but life has to go on.
goodbye doesn't always mean forever.
there will always be a place and time
where questions will be answered,
words will be spoken,
letters will be read,
poems will be recited in the night,
songs will be sung in harmony,
love will be expressed in solitude and
promises will be fulfilled.
somewhere. somehow. someday.

mercilessly.

for every night i prayed for you, i fall asleep halfway through.
is this God's way of saying forget about you?

when imissyou, i would go to your profile. today, i stumbled upon the message, bbaby. i am jealous. and my heart dropped. i guess this is the second sign of 'forget about you'. as much as i would want to forget about you, it keeps on coming back to me.

deep down, i do miss you. your disappearing and appearing game are just what the others are doing. i question myself, why do i feel hurt with the games you play and not the others?

when something undesirable grows in my soul, i ask God to give me the same courage, mercilessly to pluck it out.

test.

i hate how i am feeling towards you. everyday i crave for you. everyday i hope for your text messages. arrrrggghhhhhh!!! you're just not into me, don't you? letting go wasn't that easy.

dear God,
why do you have to put me through this test? i don't think i can manage the test you gave me. please give me a sign where this is leading to.

mistakes.

even the most responsible among us has mistakes in their past, mistakes they'd like to forget, mistakes that sometimes come back to haunt them.

silence.

not a single tear i've shed since i walked off from him. don't be sad for that cause i believed the person you love will never make you cry. no matter how painful it was, i believe you are not a jerk who will make me cry. the love that i have for you will only be for you.


friends didn't believe that i am not going out with anyone. i'm officially quitting the dating game. it is either you or no one else, that is the deal i made.


an excerpt from 'If you could see me now',

"her hopes were raised up the flagpole, waving and blowing in the breeze for all to see. there they would weather the storms and winds, only to be lowered, tattered and ruined.

just because they “appear” to emerge from the same point doesn't mean that they do. this is an illusion of perspective created by distance. everyone moves in different directions. that we all emerge from the same point is a misconception; to travel in different directions is the very nature of every being and every existing thing.

when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. when a window shatters, a table breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes noise. but as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. you would think its so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole wide world, or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

if there is a noise, it's internal. it screams and no one can hear it but you. it screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. it thrashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea; it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. that's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions.

but that's the thing about love – no one is untouchable. it's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, its silent. you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it."

i'm upset but it doesn't matter. i shall observe.

silence is not golden, afterall.

imissyou, badly.

selfish.

a "date" with him, had dinner and walked back to his place. a nice night i had. for each time we went out, i'll have the speration anxiety. i left with a heavy heart.

told him about a crazy arsehole i knew from tagged. he said, i should not be selfish and start to get to know people. right there i cut him, yes, i want to be selfish. being generous, ended me up with an heartache. no one else shall have a feel of my love.

in God i trust, have better plans for me. until one day when my heart do soften, i'll fall beautifully in love.

iloveyou.

reminisce.

gosh! the moon is so beautiful tonight. reminisce to the date 11.05.2009 @ east coast park. it was a beautiful moonlight. i fall head over heels for him. that was the day i started to feel love for you, dear hubby. the day you told me all about yourself. we talked and talked the night away. hating to have to leave the place. after each date we had, you would hate me. you hate me cause you had fallen for me. and being away from me was painful.

i have no regrets blocking and deleting the jantan sundalz away from tagged, msn and facebook. i've disposed off my past and trying to be strong for my present and future. i've done my level best, and leaving the rest up to fate to decide.

i am delighted you texted me last night. i was literally jumping around my room. thanks God. but i was disappointed when you didn't text me about dinner.

imissyou, hubby.

love.

un-flaw-less.

emotional and stress management is my greatest downfall. lacking of those two skills have made me lose someone. having to go to work with hurtful remark from him the previous day and added pressure from work, it was like adding kerosene to the already burning anger in me. i was like a pressure cooker. the break up was a released of the pressure. but, all was too late when the pressure was subdued. i lost him to my own failure of managing my emotions. this is another lesson i have to learn.

this flaw was not something he had to understand and know when he was with me. cause i'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you and smile. the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own.

sorry, i kept a lot from you especially the hurt i was going through while with you. my feelings was true but behind those sweet smiles was hidden hurt which i was not ready to share with you.

phew! now, it is all off my chest.

an action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure.

prayer.

dear God,
hectic is the word i'd use to describe my life now. gosh! in all this busy-ness, never a single day i went to sleep without thinking and saying a small prayer for him, no matter how exhausting my day was. all i asked for was, if he really is meant to be or not, i need a sign. but a thing for sure, i'm not going to put myself at risk of getting hurt again. as though getting hurt twice in 2009 isn't enough.

please don't put me in a crossroad again. twice i chose the wrong way or was it once? is he a wrong path i had chosen? and if there is going to be a third one, i'm so sorry but to stay put until the path is a clear way.

i disposed of my past and something not to be repeated. learning from those ugly past is the best way for me to carry on living a new life, with or without him. but i'm still hoping a life with him. at times i questioned myself, why am i still wishing upon a star?

smile.

thank you, dear God. at least, it ease the feeling of missing him a lil'. i'll sleep with a smile tonight. may my day be bright tomorrow as my night ended with him.

imissyou, still.

whacked.

feeling like crap after reading our MSN message history. i'm such a sucker for sentimental stuffs. i was the princess, THE sunshine, a person he would want to colour his life and all those sweet nothings. i miss him badly. every night before i doze off, i would say a lil' prayer for him. my night ended with thoughts of you. you were also the first i thought of in the morning. i'm whacked out if these continues.

reading those message logs just brought back memories. till now, i still look out of my workplace window and wished you would be there waiting for me at the carpark. i am still praying hard for your return and believed in second chance.

i had wanted to leave things to fate but it seems fate is busy. i shall wait for the day you would forgive me. cupid is surely no where to be found. i ain't falling for anyone.

imissyou, badly.

escapade.

the first thing i did when i woke in the morning was to say a lil prayer for him. i prayed that God would take away a little of his ego. and i was puzzled by myself. why was he the first person i thought of in the early morning?

i told mum today that i need to find an escapade from my past. this house i'm staying in had too many memories. some of which i want to run away from. i urged mum to move out. by God's will, i'll look for a place soon. probably in Sengkang, Punggol or still stay in Tampines.

he just had to remind me of the ugliness of my past. argh!!!

i've had enough stress. and there's more to come. bleargh!!

mum reminded me the goodness of a guy. they are good for heartaches. "zaman mungkin sudah berubah tetapi perangai dan keegoaan lelaki tak akan berubah" (translation: times might have changed but a man's attitude and ego will never.) i remembered clearly, you told me not to be selfish. because i had been through a bad experience, i should still give others a chance to feel loved by me. you made me feel unappreciated.

wishing.

dear God,
each night i had to exhaust myself out just not to think of him and get some rest. i'm fatigue. if this is the test i had to go through to atone for my past mistakes, i'll take each day with a pinch of salt but why do you have to make our paths crossed when it is not meant to be. just how much more wrong guys before i meet the right one?? isn't what i had gone through last year good enough for a lesson learnt.

you had ignited my feelings for him and now, i had to let him go. they say, if you love something, let them go. if it returns, it's meant to be but if it doesn't, it never was.

i've had enough living a frivolous life. i given up such lifestyle. i'm looking for an escapade from my past.

dear God,
a simple prayer for him,
please take away just a lil of his ego. am i asking too much?

i miss him, badly but if it is otherwise, that is for you to show me.

each day, i'm hoping against hope. wishing upon the wishing stars. to hold you in my arms again.

over.

it's over.

iloveyou.

expectation.

relationships thought me a lesson. a valuable lesson. never have an expectation of our partner. when expectations are not met, disappointment will be greatly felt. ever since my first serious relationship with farid. every expectation i had of him, will end up as a disappointment. and goes the same for the relationship i had after him.

being a working person, i understand the demands of time. wishing we had more than 24 hours a day to be divided between family, work and other commitments. and me being an emotionally high maintenance person, demands attention. seeing the boyfriend only when he fetches me from work is pretty unbearable. that is an expectation i have of this relationship and all the others, a mistake.

therefore, i don't make plans on weekends. if he asks me out, i will be glad. and when it's another weekend without him, i'll keep myself busy. i need girlfriends!

i miss him, badly.

heart.

.....said the heart,

even though i complain sometimes, its because i'm the heart of a person and people's heart are that way. people are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them or that they'll be unable to achieve them.

we, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever or moments that could have been good but weren't or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. because when these things happen we suffer terribly.

phlegmatic.

i hate what i felt when i was with you. i seek temporary solace in others when you're clearly in front of me. all seem awkward. as much as i would love to be the chatty me, i had to hold back. the atmosphere was so different. it was a happy song, you said. but, at that moment, i felt like happiness had left. i didn't enjoy the song as much. i got myself confuse for a while.

when i was listening a sad song by James Ingram- just once, i didn't feel sad. i even felt that the night had a beautiful ending. the person i was with is a great company.

probably, there is still that little bit of hope i'm having deep inside me. i had to tell you 'goodbye' and not 'see you around'. i made a mess of my own thoughts.

the conclusion, i'm crazy to still have any feelings for you.

redundant.

there was this feeling that was ignited when i read the messages i sent to you via msn and hp. i am missing you. need i mention name? the whole lot of topics that we talked about, somethings which i had shared with you but, what a pity, those info are just redundant to you. i was the rule of your game, never the exception.

you didn't want the friendship to go to waste but, ever since, i never hear from you again. you might have hurt me when you told me about the story of a girl, it was a blunder on your part. and a cover up for me, about the story of those guys.

well, i don't see the point of this post. like someone would tell me, "you think he bothers reading your blog?"

loneliness.

dear God, this empty gaping hole in my heart is still waiting for someone to fill them up. i'm tired of this dating game. of the several guys i dated, i still feel the loneliness and emptiness inside me. i want someone who listens to me like a girlfriend would. and at the same time, someone who loves me with all the love he have.

what you gave me was two total jerks. one didn't feel secured being with me. and the other "didn't want to hurt me" cause he can't love me but kissed another in less than a month. what ever happen to real man who sheds tears and meant it. grieving for the loss your ex-girlfriend while dating an innocent by-stander, how is that being sad and grieving?

dear God, what have you made them to be?

you had given me too many wrong guys, is the right one on his way or you haven't decide who is eligible to reside in my lonely heart.

work is still the best escapade for the lonely hearts

*weeps*

Two tear drops were floating down the river.

one teardrop said 2 the other, "i'm the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him. who are you?"

"i'm the teardrop of the man who regret letting a girl go."

she-teardrop consoled, "there would come a time when we have to stop loving someone because we found out that they'd be happier if we let them go."

he-teardrop replied, "but then you know that you miss someone very much when every time you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick 'Hello' from that person brings the broken pieces back."

she-teardrop said, "it's really painful to say goodbye to someone else that you want to let go; but it's even more painful to ask someone to stay if you can never make the relationship work out the way it should be." she continued, "LOVE? it's kind of complicated, but i tell you this, the second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that's love right there..."

he-teardrop pondered and said, "you know, if i had the letters "HRT", i can add "EA" to get a "HEART" or a "U" n get "HURT". but i rather choose "U" and get "HURT" than have a "HEART" without "U"

she-teardrop smiled and replied, "giving someone all your love is not an assurance that she will love you back. don't expect love in return, wait for it to grow in her heart, if it doesn't, be contented it grows in yours."

he-teardrop continued, "she told me once, don't be too good, i will miss you. don't be too caring; i might like you. don't be too sweet; i might fall for you."

she-teardrop smiled and said, "a heart truly in love never loses hope but always believes." she-teardrop continued, "if you love her please let her know cause it hurts to love when you have to go. take care of me; don't go away because if u love me, u will stay... i love you and do you know why? you got me when you first said 'Hi'"

he-teardrop said, "you are brave she-teardrop, now i know it's always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end rather than never found love because you were too afraid of the challenge." he-teardrop continued further, "did you know that the expression "Nothing" is the subconscious mind's way of saying i love you. that's what i do, i told her NOTHING and cause of that i lost her even though i love her, i cry for the time that she was almost mine, i cry for the memories i've left behind, i cry for the pain, the lost, the old and the new. i cry for the times i thought i had her!"

she-teardrop consoled, "Relationships are like glass, sometimes it better to leave them broken than try to hurt urself putting it back together, or worse, have nothing strong to bind it together, you never lose in loving, you only lose in holding back."

he-teardrop cried,"Now i know, i have learned. don't throw your back to love when it's already in front of you, don't drive it away from you because if you did, someday you'll think again why you let love fly away when it was once next to you."

anal-ysis.

you desire a love that will last forever. you are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. you don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. if a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. your love has to be perfect. be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

this is accurate. exactly what i would do before falling for someone. darn, you lucky asshole.
but what a pity, i could be missing out on some worthy relationships because my standards are so HIGH.

well, honey, if you don't meet my standards, you're out of my league.

NEXT!

imaginary.

dear friend,

i'm just a figment of your imagination. you came into the wonderland of escapism. i was there when you needed someone to talk to. i happened to appear when you were sad. we had fun, we had joy and we had seasons in the sun. i knew from the start you aren't someone i should fall in love with. you were an illusion of perspective created by distance. we moved in different direction, eventually.


seeing now that you're alright, dear friend, i shall go just like how i came.



sincerely,
your imaginary friend.

retracted.

bad news from last week will be retracted today. looks like things will go your way afterall! -horoscope.

p.s i love you

decipher.

look on the bright side. even if you didn't get exactly what you wanted, you still got alot. -horro-scope.

and what is this suppose to mean?

p.s i still do love you.

killing.

i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing, dear.

killing me softly with his actions.

p.s i love you

hunch.

things are not as they seem. you'll find out today why you had a hunch something is off. - gemini horro-scope.

you thought you had given someone their last chance, but here they are, begging for more. - pisces horro-scope.

tell me about it.

excessive.

time check : 0433hrs

excessively thinking of him.

p.s i love you.

someone.

the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

hindsight.

the bottom line
you get farther with someone if you tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

in detail
if you are working on building a better love relationship, you have to commit yourself to being honest. it's not like you tell untruths on a regular basis, but from time to time you have told little white lies, thinking you are protecting someone. but that's not your call. and from now on, you will get a lot farther with someone if you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. when you make choices out of fear, you usually make the wrong choices. share your feelings in an unedited way.

well, this is the valentine's day present from my horoscope. i HAD always been truthful. unedited story and feelings. on hindsight, wouldn't it better if i had lied to him instead? keeping my feelings and be oblivious to hints, at least we don't even have to start anything. we would be just like how we had been before 13.12.2008. not having any regrets but at least it would have saved us from any awkwardness.

well, they say, love make you do silly things.

brief.

i was bestowed upon me two guardian angels. both had their heart broken. unfortunately, i fallen for the one who is still badly wounded. i felt loved for a brief moment. a moment i treasure every minute of. am grateful for reigniting the feeling of love in me.

when he left, i thought he would close the door behind him. i shall not close the doors yet. cause i'm waiting for him to return, either to close the door or place the last piece of puzzle where it should be. i'm refusing to let go and move on. if i have to, i do not want to move on, alone.

fate is still fixing his puzzle.

emptiness.

dear God,
for the second time fate messed up the puzzle pieces. he fits nicely in the puzzle but fate doesn't think so. fate took apart the puzzle and left a gaping hole there. and there isn't anymore pieces left. he had left with that last piece.

fate, it is time you resign from fixing my puzzle. cause you won't be able to find a piece to fit into the gaping hole.

and, i shall frame up the drawing that i drew when i was in reality. that was the last beautiful drawing i did and that was also the last page i had.

puzzle.

dear God,
i thank you for letting me feel a tinge of loving someone. but i guess you had forgotten to make him feel the same way too. memories of the past are still lingering like an overstayer.

fate is playing a funny game but i don't find it funny anymore. fate should be busy right now, putting puzzle pieces together before going around and messing up people's partner. fate had made me shed tears more than i had shed for you, dear God. i had my plans but fate had to ruin it all. you made us with the feeling to love. but i guess those feelings are for those who deserves and know how to appreciate.

karma had worked enough on me. you made me fall for someone worthless before i met farid. but i wasn't ready to give him up. eventually, fate made me see the whole picture but a few missing puzzle pieces. i liked what i saw. i loved him. we had great times together. but, fate had to take four and a half years to find the missing puzzle pieces. when fate put it all together, he found that it wasn't me who is suppose to be in the picture. well, all's forgotten and forgiven.

fate realised that he haven't done my puzzle just yet. so, here i am waiting for more than a year while fate fixes someones puzzle. fate notices that i am a part of this person's puzzle. fate continued to fixed his and my puzzle simultaneously. fate stopped a moment. something is wrong with his puzzle. the girl in his puzzle isn't suppose to be there. she was suppose to be with someone else. so, fate took the puzzle pieces apart, leaving a gaping hole there.

fate is still fixing the puzzle. but will my puzzle pieces fit the gaping hole or is it still her puzzle pieces will fit nicely in there?

sketches.

when we first met, i was still sketching a picture of someone else. he was just a fantasy. he lives in my wonderland. eventually, there was this strong urge to get back to reality. took a stroll back to reality cause i hate leaving my wonderland where i know i won't get hurt.

there in reality, i saw him. he was sketching too, it was unclear to me what was on his easel. i sat next to him, sketching the same scenery. but, i was self-indulgent, i started to draw a picture more beautiful than what's in front of me. him, was still a sketch.

here i am, staring at the beautiful picture i've drawn.

should i wait for him to finish his sketching or should i tear away my drawing and do another sketch and reminding myself to draw reality?

delusion.

her boyfriend know nuts about her. i told her to leave him cause he isn't into her. he do not even bother to take initiative and put in any effort in knowing her. one fine day, he will leave her and before he does that, i told her to leave him.
she asked me, "then why are you not leaving him?"

it is tiring being with someone but at every moment when the feeling of missing him arises, it has to be diverted to something else. for a moment, delusion was needed.

she is ready to COMMIT as soon as she meet the RIGHT person. she is very SERIOUS about relationships and AREN'T interested in wasting time with people she DON'T really LIKE. if she meet the right person, she will fall DEEPLY and BEAUTIFULLY in love.

even if he is the RIGHT person, are you to him?

again, i had to supress my feelings until i'm conviced. i'm holding back what i've got for you. i'm sorry, i just had to. jumping off the cliff and into a bottomless pit again, i have doubts about surviving the second fall.

clueless.

people come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME. when you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

when someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. they have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. they may seem like a godsend and they are. they are there for the reason you need them to be.
then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. sometimes they die. sometimes they walk away. sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
what we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,their work is done. the prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. they bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. they may teach you something you have never done. they usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. believe it, it is real. but only for a season .

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. it is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

thank you people for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.


dear God, i thank you for letting our paths meet at the crossroads. where we would be heading, i'm still unsure, whether in the same direction or opposite. clueless, i am to his stand.
and i pray hard, dear God, he isn't in my life for a season or a reason. as scared as i felt to fall in love with someone, i eventually did.

but, was it a mistake to tell him how i felt for him?

mask.

you are the extreme opposite to an action woman: you are sweet, you love pink and glitter. everyone who sees you sees a totally and perfect styled little girl - daddy's little girl maybe. boys are drawn to you automatically. but they have no respect. they play with you. it's hard for you to find a boy who is willing to risk a serious relationship. you have a lot of friends, but most of them are girls just like you. you also have a lot of shallow contact. maybe you are very dependent on your parents. you are always so squeaky and happy and lovely when others are near - but that's only a mask. a mask that covers all your sadness, desperation and self-doubt. one day you will make someone very happy, but untill then you have to learn to love yourself and be the person you are supposed to be.

took a 'what type of girl are you?' survey on facebook. 80% of what it said about me is true. defnitely i'm not a daddy's girl. having lots of friends, yes i do. but most are boys and girls are not like me. my girlfriends have a personality of their own, which i adore.

it's hard for you to find a boy who is willing to risk a serious relationship. now, i wonder. how much do i really mean to that someone?
one day you will make someone happy. but is that someone going to make me happy too?

unrequited.

it's almost a month i'm with him. i would say, we are still in the honeymoon period. during these period, i had told him 'i love you' but he have not recipocrate those feelings. as much as i want to tell him again, i have to hold back. i have yet to establish if this is a walk in the park or a plunge into a bottomless pit.

patience is virtue. since time is what you need, you shall have time then.