abandonment.

cowardice.

you've got a lot on your mind right now, dear Gemini, and others might be interpreting your quiet behavior as aloofness. go right ahead, and let them think so. you've got some real issues to think through and decisions with important consequences. you will be able to smooth their ruffled feathers later. right now, focus on taking care of yourself.

that was what my horoscope said. i was feeling lousy today. i ain't have the slightest idea for what i'm feeling. probably, i need to keep this feeling of mine, in check before it goes haywire. i feel like disappearing from the surface of the earth, just for a day.

"real issues to think through and decision with important consequences" i'm not going to make any decision that has an inportant consequences. because i'm a coward. i do not want to face any consequences. whatever is in my mind, shall remain where it is.

heal.

the bottom line
being practical may not feel sexy, but it's definitely the intelligent way to go.
in detail
right now it's your emotional nature that is going to be your driving force in life, but that needs to start changing. you need to think more with your brain and less with your heart. it isn't steering you wrong, but it could be sending you in circles. think things through and get some alone time if you feel that you need it. being practical might not feel very sexy, but it's definitely the intelligent way to go! temptations soon disappear when you look at them with a critical eye.

at first, i did not get what my horoscope was trying to tell me. not that i believe entirely. take it more as a word of caution rather than a fortune-telling thing.

i should start thinking with my brains. to use my heart, it will just suck me into the vertigo, sending me in circles when the answer is in front of me. but, i still have not seen an obvious answer to my questions. i guess, i shall let the questions be unanswered and be oblivious to my surroundings. if there is going to be a twist of fate, then thank God.

dear God,
i'm thankful for the guardian angels you had send. please, it hurts to fall and harder to try to get up again without feeling the bruises later. do give the strength to these angels to heal their broken heart.

solace.

ever since i receive the call from him, i had been lost in twilight zone. lost in my own thoughts. where those thoughts were leading me too, i ain't no idea. i wasn't myself anymore. i had been an easy-going person, with a strong belief, 'anything that doesn't kill you, will just make you stronger'.

this is a wake-up call for me. maybe a sign from Him. he pushed me to the edge, reminding me that He is there when i search for Him. maybe this is a calling for me to seek solace in Him.

...or is it his PUNISHMENT for the illicit affair?

regrets.

dear GOD,
deep down, i know i haven't been a good person. i'm not blaming anyone for my bad attitude. i've lost great friends. i get confuse. the truth hurts, as cliche as it may sound, it is true. not wanting to hurt anyone's feeling i kept the truth. when it hurts, i am in the wrong. blamed for keeping the truth. i am seen as a bitch. someone hateful. i dissed these people, not bothering how they feel, so long as i get my way. i do not go down without a fight.
once friends, now turn to enemies because of my own egocentric attitude.

i hate to keep harping about how you made me and the ex-boyfriend meet. you gave us sweet memories and a bitter ending. me being me, again, egocentric, just had to put him down. so the excuse to my 'farewell' entry. tit-for-tat is a never ending vengeful process. why do i feel victorious after what i did? should i not feel ashamed of my own attitude?

dear God, please forgive me for my bad attitude. i don't want to lose more great friends. please show me the right way out of my misery.

to the people whom i've hurt, my sincerest apologies. please do forgive me. how can i make things better? please tell me.

painful.

i ain't no idea what made me want to read my old blog. i chance upon this, it is a lil something i composed for farid after our break-up. painful memories which i do not want to re-live.


Love is Pain
You promised you'll never hurt me
Never make me cry
Crossed your heart and hoped to die
You told me that you love me
You made a promise you can't keep

To know someone I gave my heart to
Just tore my heart apart

Why did this love had to start?
Why does love had to be so much pain?

When I was dreaming with a broken heart
Waking up was the hardest

That lonesome feelings took me by surprise
I guess you meant more to me than I realised
My thoughts of you do not have an ending
Memories of you are everywhere
I wish I could be everything you wanted all the time
Tried to be perfect 'cause I know you are worth it

I gave my heart and soul but it was not enough for you
And now I know who you are
It was not that hard to figure you out

It is just one of those things I have to get over

Yours Truly.

unanswered.

should i give up or should i keep chasing pavements? even if it leads nowhere, or would it be a waste? even if i knew my place should i leave it there?

again, these questions will be left unanswered.

is it just a phase? or am i just being the attention seeker and not getting any from him? or he just think all this is wrong and won't work out so, there is no need to pursue further?

suddenly, i'm tongue-tied. i can't seem to be asking questions to anyone, anymore.

i guess it is still in sketches. i shall wait a while longer for the sketches to turn into a picture.

disappointment.

"the person you LOVE will always DISAPPOINT you."

when i was a younger lover, having trusting issues, he, the ex-boyfriend pulled me out of the whirlpool that was drowning me. he made me believe that there were still ENDANGERED male species with raging testosterones, that i can trust. and that would be him. but, at the back of my head, i knew, one day he too will leave me for someone better just like how the ol' man left my mum for THE money- grubber hussy.

now, being me, the sweet, loving klutz, is scared that one day, i might never love again. ever. i'm still locked up in my own padded cell, afraid of the outside world. take me away from my comfort zone but, do me a favour, do not let me fall in love.

cause i still strongly believe, love is a DISAPPOINTMENT.




*disclaimer: this is a random post. not meant for anyone in particular.

surprise!

yesterday, mr lazy gave me a HUGE surprise. thanks a lot, dear. now, that is what i call HUGE. he waited me outside my workplace.
when i was releasing the children, i had this urge to look on my left. there i saw him standing, waiting.
SWEET-NESS. but, i had to hide the huge smile. and i'm still smiling, now.

ya, parents were fetching their children and you wanted to fetch the teacher.
you're very very sweet!

resentment.

the bottom line
it looks like one of your more shallow friendships is moving to a much deeper level.

in detail
it looks like one of your more shallow friendships is moving to a much deeper level -- this is wonderful, but some of your older friends might be getting a little bit jealous that this newer person is taking up so much of your free time. this is a tough time for juggling people, and it could be stirring up some resentment. try to integrate this new person into group activities so that everyone can spend more time with you -- and get to see how wonderful this person is.


hilarious! some resentment, indeed. mr lazy said, a BIG NO to "integrate this new person into group activities so that everyone can spend more time with you -- and get to see how wonderful this person is." haha! all it will cause is more HAVOC.

since you chose to withdraw while i said not to disappear from my life and i need a great friend like you, what is left to say?

'my WAY or the HIGHWAY'

magnanimous.

what a pity! he isn't someone magnanimous. he isn't happy that i've found happiness and it is not with him. he wants to withdraw himself, i'll respect your decision. when i told him about the guy who can't read the hints, i expected him to be smarter. but, oh too bad!

i suppress my feelings for others for fear of hurting him. i won't deny that i ever had feelings for him. i ever considered getting romantically involved with him but when he couldn't get accept the fact that the ex-girlfriend actually moved on, i wondered, am i just a stopover for him? or will i be his rebound?

love transforms and love cures but, sometimes, love builds deadly traps and can end up destroying a person who had resolved to give him or herself completely.
what is this complex feeling which, deep down, is the only reason we continue to live, struggle and improve?

this feeling is present in the small things, and manifests itself in the most insignificant of our actions. it is necessary, therefore to keep love in mind, regardless of whether or not we take action.

friends?

will you still be my friend if one day, i tell you i had fall for someone but, that someone is not you?

i didn't want to hurt you. i know how it feels to be rejected. my feelings for you is just how i felt for other guy friends i had.what differs you from them is how you had treated me. you're a nice, good-hearted person.

i have to thank you for boosting my confidence and allowing me to be the crazy me. thanks to you too, i've found the old me. i don't want to be with you because i feel indebted to you. you had been a GREAT friend.

i really hope that you won't slowly disappear from my life. i need a great friend like you.

missing.

was reading a random blog. in her blog, she had pictures of her trip to bintan. i was reminded of someone. gosh! a tinge feeling of missing him came. i still remember how excitedly you told me about your trip. memories of you flooded my head. the most memorable time i had with you, though it was for one night only, was when you showed me the beauty of henderson bridge from your window. i really miss you, mr A especially during the times we webcam.

if you, if you could get by
trying not to lie
things wouldn’t be so
i wouldn’t feel so used
but you always really knew
i just wanna be with you

and I’m in so deep
you know I’m such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to.
do you have to
do you have to let it linger

linger by cranberries

fall.

today my horoscope says,"there is someone out there who loves you very much. you'll be together once he figures out how to get out of his padded cell."

hmm... wondering who is the guy. is he ever going to get out of the padded cell and save me, THE damsel in distress?

well, dear God, he is somewhere out there but when am i going to be brave enough to FALL in LOVE again.

where oh where are u?

apology.

here's an excerpt from 'the last lecture' by randy pausch. hope everyone can learn from it.

apologies are not pass / fail. i always told my students: when giving an apology, any performance lower than an A really doesn't cut it.

half-hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologising at all because recipients find them insulting. if you've done something wrong in your dealings with another person, it's as if there's an infection your relationship. a good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt into the wound.

.....i'd start by describing the two classic bad apologies:

1. "i'm sorry you feel hurt by what i've done." (this is an attempt at an emotional salve, but it's obvious you don't want to put any medicine in the wound.)
2. "i apologise for what i did, but you also need to apologise to me for what you've done." (that's not giving an apology. that's asking for one.)

proper apologies have three parts:

1. what i did was wrong.
2. i feel badly that i hurt u.
3. how do i make this better?

yes, some people may take advantage of you when answering question three. but most people genuinely appreciate of your make-good efforts. they may tell you hoe to make it better in some small, easy way. and often, they'll work harder to help make things better themselves.

"what if i apologise and the other doesn't apologise back?"
"that's not something you can control, so don't let it eat at you."

if other people owe you an apology, and your words of apology to them are proper and heartfelt, you still may not hear from them for a while. after all, what are the odds that get to the right emotional place to apologise at the exact moment you do? so just be patient. your patience will be both appreciated and rewarded.

i sent him a sms on the night of hari raya. seeking forgiveness for the hurt i caused. but i did not include the 'how do i make this better?'. not courageous enough. i guess, i just have to be patient and wait since, i may not be hearing from him for a while.

like.

like is an understatement. thank you all for liking me. liking me for who i am. my clumsy-ness, not so noisy me, my nonsense and whatever antics you like in me. thank you, i appreciate it a whole lot.

every action has an equal or opposite reaction. -newton's law.

the feeling of liking me may be reciprocate or the opposite. i see you guys as friends. someone who i can gossip, talk, tease and also be my aunt agony and vice verse. i really do appreciate friends like you. but when there's an intention of bringing the friendship a level higher, i'm rather ignorant to such signs or hints though it is obvious. for a reason, i do not wish to be implicated into that game anymore. convincing, coaxing or even showing immerse interest, care and concern will not move me to fall in love for you. trust me, it takes more than that to melt a stoned heart. and also chemistry.

i'm in for the dating game but to love again, that is out of the question.

wishing all Muslims Eid Mubarak. My sincerest apologies for any sarcasm or if i've unintentionally hurt anyone's feeling. forgive me please.

teachers.

a teacher's prayer.

i want to teach
my students how to
live this life on earth
to face struggles
and it's strife
and how to improve
their worth.

not just the lesson in a book
or how the rivers flow
but how to choose the correct path
wherever they may go.

to understand eternal truth
and know the right from wrong.
and gather all the beauty
of a flower and song.

for if i help the world to grow
in wisdom and in grace
then i shall feel that
i have won
and i have filled my place.

and so i ask
your guidance, dear God.
that i may do my part
for character and confidence
and happiness of heart.

happy teacher's day!

...and happy fasting to all muslims!
may you have the strength to go thru the endurance tests given by Him.
insyallah.

hilarious.

the bottom line

lighten up about yourself! stop dwelling on your worries and start getting silly.

in detail
lighten up about yourself! no matter how bad things may or may not be right now, there is plenty of stuff in your life that you can celebrate. so stop dwelling on the worries and the woes that have been swirling around your head lately. flip through some old photos and laugh at the haircuts you thought were cool and the fashion mistakes you made. bake yourself a batch of your favorite cookies and eat them all by yourself! Just be silly and avoid getting too deep into your own thoughts.

well, i've stop dwelling on my worries. cause i've solve it my way. hilarious incident, i can say. that's the silly thing i did. haha!

'plenty of stuff in your life that you can celebrate.' of course, a week of school holidays. just a day to work out of the week holiday. meeting ikel this weekend. more camwhoring and crazy-ness. in fact, i've spend almost every weekend with him. and i'm not complaining at all. i enjoy every minute of it. yipee! booze and tanning. i'm going to be so tanned and healthy looking. may the sun shine brightly all weekend.

today, i've receive more presents than on my birthday. haha!

happy teacher's day!

pencil.

here's a story of the pencil. excerpt of 'like the flowing river' by paulo coelho
a boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. at one point, he asked:
"are you writing a story about what we've done? is it a story about me?"
his grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
"i am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil i'm using. i hope you'll be like this pencil when you grow up."
intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. it didn't seem very special.
"but it's just like any other pencil i've ever seen!"
"that depends on how you look at things. it has five qualities which, if you manage to hand on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.

first quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a had guiding your steps. we call that hand God, and he always guides us according to His will.

second quality: now and then i have to stop writing and use a sharpener. that makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he's much sharper. so you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrow, because they will make you a better person.

third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. this means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps us on the road to justice.

fourth quality: what really matters in a pencils is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. so always pay attention to what is happening inside you.

finally, the pencil's fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be more conscious of that in your every action."

fun.

since friday i'm off and back to work on tuesday. whoa! what a super long weekend.

friday 08.08.08, i did some housewifey duties. did some marketing and housecleaning but no cooking. helped mummy to prepare for saturday's outing to sugei buloh nature reserve park.
on this day too, i declared my feelings for a guy. only one person got to see the agony i had to go through. but, too bad he wasn't in the state to be in a relationship. sheesh! disappointed by his rejection but no regrets. at least i know what kind of guy he is. and by the way, he is the only guy i tell how i strongly feel about. it is a lucky date but ain't so lucky for me.

saturday 09.08.08, met up with my aunts i.e my support system. teehee! well, gossiped while walking through nature. reached home at 5pm and straight to bed. shag!!
woke up cause someone called and told him i was napping but he can't seem to understand. he needed explanation. and sucky, i couldn't get back to sleep. sheesh! chatted for a while and then got dressed for party. a girlfriend asked a date to MOS. well, called a crazy dude up to join me. met him at dobhy ghaut station. took a train to clarke quay but ended up at little india instead. cause i got the stations wrongly. damn! last train at lil' india left us just two minutes ago. of all places to get stuck at. ended up we took a cab. haha!
danced the night away. reached home around 7am.

sunday 10.08.08, woke up slightly before dusk. damn, my whole body ache! slacked home the whole day. slept around 3am.

monday11.08.08, slacked around for almost the whole day too. popped by my cousin's place for a while and head back home around 10pm.


gosh! back to work tomorrow!

have a great week!

alone.

its a monday. most people were having monday blues but me, i was taking it easy. woke up very early and send the uniform back. then, i head to changi village. bought myself breakfast and went to the beach. enjoyed the morning sun, sea breeze and sound of the waves. all by myself. for once, i love what i was doing. i needed the time alone. i should have done this a long time ago but work and career had been getting in my way.

there's more to life than work.

take a break and enjoy the people around you before they vanish one by one and leave you all alone.

though i like being alone, i realised when i have a boyfriend, i want his attention. i like him to pamper me. maybe because i'm mummy's girl and am very pampered. i admit. is it a weakness? am i being too demanding?

i'm a self-declared emotionally high maintenance girl. love me or buzz off!

ditch.

have i finally found him? no, he finally found me. he reached his destination after a long time. dear God, he is not a godsend kind of guy. but i surely am thankful that he manage to soften the hard-hearted me. he is definitely not on impulse decision. i followed my heart and i'm sure that he is the one for me, on top of all the other guys.

ditch the past and shall enjoy my present with him.

dear, i love you!

rollercoaster.

you just had to put me through another rollercoaster ride. why don't you push me off the tallest building and bid me goodbye? what wrong have i done to you that you had to be so cruel to me? i had always been there when you needed me. except today. for a reason, you are getting engage this weekend. just today, i did not oblige you made me feel guilty. hopelessly guilty. we should have had a clean break from the start. but having to go through the emotional detachment was unbearable for me. we agreed on the solution we came up. i did not regret. now, you had to give me shit when i did not oblige. what's wrong with you?

declarations.

they declared their feelings for me. i'm thankful. but, it leaves me confuse. i said i'm not ready for a relationship. in fact, i'm waiting for someone. i don't know what he thinks of me. he can just make me smile. everytime i see him online, i get an anxiety attack. exaggrating. i don't wish to come across as pushy or too obvious.

i'm lost.

opportunity.

sad. i'll be leaving my children. i really can't bear to do so but opportunity knocks only once. the new place pay better and i will be taking a class of my own with an assistant. with His blessings, i'm doing pretty well in my career. thank God. i pray hard that this job is one i can stay for long.

i'll be starting my course in aug. sacrifice all the holiday plans i had. someone told me, do my best and do it for myself. he don't care how successful i am. all he wants is satisfacation down-south. i'm no more doing it to prove anyone, i'm doing it for myself, my own future. the benchmark i set against him shall be banished.

wish me all the best!

commitment.

horoscope part one

the bottom line
patience is a virtue -- what you're waiting for will be so sweet when it arrives.

in detail
you shouldn't expect to make very much progress in anything today, but then again you don't need to make much more progress -- you are just about exactly where you need to be, so take a deep breath and relax! today will serve as simmer time for that delicious project you've put on the back burner -- remember that patience is a virtue, and what you are waiting for is going to be oh-so-sweet when it arrives. in the meantime, reconnect with a friend and have fun.

horoscope part two
if you've been waking up every morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment. indeed, events today could change your whole life, dear gemini. if nothing else, you know that it's time to make necessary changes, and you are ready to put a plan into action. sure, it's a bit scary, but you need this balance in your life.

lovescope
get ready for a special encounter with an unexpected admirer. it could be subtle or obvious that inanimate objects would get the hint, either way. keep your eyes peeled for signs that points to love.

sounds like god heard my prayers and therefore the horoscope. wonder who is it going to be. when will he come knocking? just a reminder, when you come knocking, please give it a hard one cause its a very hard door you are knocking. well, all the best to you dude!

egocentric.

love-scope says,
your need for human contact may be causing you to make compromises that aren't in your best interest, dear gemini. you might want to see if you can find people whose tastes and approach to life are more like yours. for example, you just love staying in bed all day long with a good book. there are people like you out there. you just need to find them!

i need to find him?! that's a high order! i don't think there is a male soul who will love to stay in bed all day long, reading. grr...

talking of which, time to get a new novel and stay in bed all weekend. hmm... shall head to borders or times on payday.

unmotivated.

unmotivated. that is how i'm feeling every morning when i wake up for work. it is a drag, just the thought of going through major changes when i've adapted so well to the current management and environment. my workplace will be taken over by another management and will be going through major changes. i'm loving it, not! it is driving me crazy when i think of it. i've set my mind, by 1st july, once the company has been taken over, i'll tender my resignation letter and claim my leaves. adios!

but, i feel sad for my students. too bad i'm unable to see them grow and develop. they were my motivators but i hate changes. i'm set to leave.

so sad to say, it's been sometime since i had a good laugh. just now, mummy and me went to the movies. we watched kung fu panda. hilarious. had a pretty good laugh.

there is no secret ingredient. believe in yourself.

hardknocks.

the bottom line
trust yourself -- even if you make a mistake, it will be one that will teach you.

in detail
making choices about your life based on what you think other people want you to do is not only unhealthy, it's unwise. no one knows what is best for you better than you yourself, so stop listening to the know-it-alls who just love to hear themselves talk. trust yourself -- even if you make a mistake, it will be one that will teach you an important lesson. it'll also help you avoid that same pitfall next time. independent thinking is not only healthy -- it is wise!

gosh! this is a wake-up call. "stop listening to the know-it-alls", i shall be doing just that. stop pushing your idealism onto others. are you any better? stop talking like 'i'm still an oh-so-tight-virgin' it just disgust me big-time. i think she has a split personality problem. haiz! at times, i wonder if she is who she really is. other times, i wonder where the real her have gone when she meet with the others.

well, now that we have little contact with each other, it is healthier this way.

even if i've to learn the hard way, at least i know that i've done it and seen the results myself. some people learn life the hard way.

hard knocks at every juncture, get up and face the world bravely. though the recovery journey takes a long time, at least don't be a coward and run away from the problem. the further you run, the nearer the problem is to you. you don't know who might bump into while running, is it a problem or a solver? well, the choice is solely yours to make.

lame.

was excited to party on saturday night but turned out to be the most lame party, most of the time. someone just had to put me down in front of her other girlfren. she dampens the party mood instantly. she acts differently with her other girlfrens and i felt left out. geez!

woo.

today my love-scope says:

eventhough you are no stranger to heartbreak, now is the perfect time to be open to new beginnings. give this person the benefit of doubt. not everyone who woos you has a hidden agenda. trust again.

the love-scope gotta be kidding, right? trust again? whoever the guy that has intention of wooing me, quit playing games with my heart. you are never serious. you are making me confuse.

dear God, where is that guy? why hasn't he reach his destination? i'm getting impatient. all the guys you sent were playing games. i'm tired of their silly games. please stop sending them. i don't want to play games anymore. if there isn't any good man around, you might as well not send anyone, anymore.

prayer.

dear god,

firstly, thanks for the unfortunate break-up with farid. well, they say when you lose someone, you will find someone better. so far, i've not seen any progress yet. it all takes time.
everything happens for a reason, i'm still looking out for the real reason.

at first, you let me experienced with indecent guys. these are guys who are only for flings and one-night stand. had enough fun with these guys.

so, i asked about the decent ones, remember?

well, thanks for fulfilling the request. but, i asked for decent guys(.) not decent guys who declare their feelings freely.

i'm getting confuse here, dear god.

where is the guy who holds the right key? is he on his way or did he lost his way? please show him the right path to my heart. and also please tell me if he is a sincere guy. it is so hard to sieve the sincere and insincere.

well, dear god, i'm inexperienced when comes to judging of character. after all those guys that i've met, i'm still unable to read their character. you made everyone of us differently, with different character, looks and status.

p.s the next guy that has the right key also must have all the qualities i'm looking for.

thanks!

twenty-two.

why am i dreaming a perfect birthday for myself? well, just a dream, anyways. no harm dreaming, right. it's only a birthday but what i had in mind is like a marriage proposal.

"it is a full-moon night, under the stars, by the beach. looking out at the dark endless sea, leaning my head on his shoulder and enjoying the sea breeze. our drinks hardly touched, the silence between us was comforting, not an awkward moment. i'm enjoying his company and the beautiful night.

he lit the candles on the small chocolate cake. i closed my eyes, made a wish and blew the candles. he took out a small blue box tied with a white ribbon. yummy. did i see a tiffany & co. box? yes, i did. not saying anything, he opened the box and i just can't keep the smile in anymore. gleaming pendeant and necklace. "happy birthday, dear! i love you." and i just can't stop blushing. he gave me a peck on the forehead. i'm over the moon."

what a dreamer!!

now, heading back to earth.


probably the gurlfren will be back from dubai, in time for my b'day. partying is in the agenda.

or...

having dinner with someone, not really dear to me but i will appreciate his company, though.



but surely and definitely, i want a H U G E teddy for my birthday. not a winnie the pooh, please. i've got that already.

still contemplating to take leave or not. hope gurlfren will get back to me soon.
i miss ya, babe! don't forget to get my present from dubai, ok?

jokers.

at times i get so confuse. who is for real and who is not. you guys call me dear, sayang, darling and whatever else. i never take them seriously cause i know damn too well you aren't. you are just a bunch of farked up jokers playing around with me. stop giving me those shit that you like me, love me. you guys are all talk only, no action. full of crap. none of those guys i ever date are sincere. i don't wish to mention name. you know yourself better.

you want a kiss, sure i'll give. you want a feel-good anecdote, sure thing i'll give it. you play around with my feelings, i'll surely do the same to you. at one moment you say don't take you seriously and another moment you tell me you're sincere to know me better. joking, right?

farked up jokers!!

myself.

was reading a colum in cleo, it kinda of hit a raw nerve. its a write-up i can relate closely. the colum is about "date yourself for a while". the reason i can relate to what the writer said is beacuse it's the post-breakup kinda of guide. i'm just gonna quote some stuff she wrote.

for 4 years life was evolved around him. then, i didn't have to share my space with anyone. it was awkward at first, being alone.

"then something else struck me. so much of life outside work was filled with things i didn't really enjoy doing. surely, that needed to change - but how? i'd been busy pleasing everyone else, i wasn't really sure what made me happy."
it occured to me, how i have always keep myself busy with work even after working hours. and i totally don't enjoy filling my time with work and more work. what really make me happy? i'm unable to answer.

"...getting to know yourself is a constant work in progress."

"it takes time to discover who you are, what you are, what you're going to be and what you want. and to say 'i don't know' is a perfectly fine answer." -phew!

"... we don't actually stop to go over what's happen and make plans for the future. if you're always on the go, you don't have time to think. dating yourself is a fantastic opportunity to do just that."
in fact, before reading this colum, i have thought of what had happened and made plans for the future.

"coming out of a long-term relationship or a string of relationships, it's almos certain you'll be asking yourself a few questions namely: why was i in this relationship? why didn't i realise that was going on? why didn't he want to be with me? cooke (an author of girl stuff) believes that in order to learn, we need to see this as an opportunity, rather than a knock to the self-esteem"
i asked those question after the break-up but like they say, truth hurts. after knowing the truth, my self-esteem did not it rock bottom, luckily.

"... it really is almost impossible to get to know yourself when you're in one. " "... because we change our personality to fit our partner's."
very very true. i lost myself, not knowing who i was.

"the problem with going from singledom to coupledom is that we often drop the things we love - freinds, hobbies, workouts - to fit with the new schedule."
"before long it's become a habit. you can actually start to forget the things you used to love doing because you've substituted them with new coupley things. it's a recipe for disaster when you break up and look around to see that your support network has all but fizzled away."
i'm pretty lucky to have mummy for support and girlfren though she runs me down most times. and i won't forget, thanks!

"... we want strong communication, emotional intelligence and a few laughs. we want someone who can support us in our busy, thriving lives."
definitely some of the important qualities in a guy i'm looking for. someone who can accept that we can't always meet, someone who understands my busy schedule and can accept that i'm obsses with my career.

to end of the colum she wrote "a real relationship, whether it's with a friend or a lover, is about finding someone who brings out the best in you, enjoys the best in you and loves you for the things that you love."

glad.

work. work. work. date. date. date. tired. tired. tired.

work and date equals to tiredness. i'm shagged. hectic schedule up ahead. got the parents-teacher meeting in 2 weeks, to prepare. portfolios almost done. lessons almost finishing and filings to be done. with all the work i have, i still have time for dates though. hehe! well, i need a break too.

this saturday, got a date but with my aunt. i'm going to register for my course, certificate in preschool teaching (cpt). finally! i've postpone the idea for too long. it is all going to be sponsored by my aunt. am i not glad? absolutely.

my dates for last weekend was great. superb. hehe! "accompanied" one fishing and the other, we went to the arcade, movies and dinner.

i guess, for another 2 weeks i will be date-less. hmm...

acne.

grr.... the side effect of eating vitamins, acne on the back. this is why i hate eating any type of supplements. my back acne is freaky horrible. will be stuck on tees for sometime i suppose. i'm gonna get that acne shower gel by T3. hopefully, it works great on my skin. cause, i freaking out big-time.

my mind was so made up on stopping the pills but it is all for my own good health. it is the HMFD period, need to build up my immune system before i get infected.

talking of which, had only one confirmed case. phew! please please let this be over very very soon. i'm tired of the s.o.p of daily cleaning of classrooms and washing of toys. shag! totally! please give an all-clear by next week.

happy weekend!

forgiveness.

the bottom line
everyone makes mistakes -- don't be critical. be forgiving and give them a chance.

in detail
everyone makes mistakes -- and you should remember that today, when someone who once hurt you comes back into your life. will you choose to hold on to your anger, or will you let go of the past and give them one more chance? do for them what you would want them to do for you, if the roles were reversed. listen to what they say and give them the benefit of the doubt. the stars say that forgiveness is a wise course now. remember: forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness. it's better.

"forgiveness is not the same as forgetfulness. it's better." it jolts me to think. have i forgiven farid or was it just forgetfulness? the angst is still deep within me when i thought of it. have i start forgiving myself? i remember a girlfriend once told me, we need to learn to forgive ourselves before we start forgiving others. same goes for loving yourself before you love others.

i have not done some soul searching for a while. once in a while, it is good to sit quietly and do some soul searching. we are human beings who make mistakes without realising. at times, our attitude may look good to ourselves but not to others. we'll only realise our bad attitude when a mirroring happens. but, it is never too late to realise our mistakes. we apologise and make amendments. all of us can say we're sorry. but how many times do we say that we're sorry and ask on how can we correct or make amendments?

rest.

i need a break badly. weekends had been a lame and tiring one for me. yesterday, i had my first aid course, i passed.

well, another typical sunday. lesson planning and preparation. amazingly, i finished super early. had sms-ed a friend for dinner but got no reply. forget it then.

was bored to tears, msged another friend for coffee. all set to meet at 8pm. did my manicure and pedicure to pass time. i'm not satisfied with the outcome. felt horrible already. and someone had to irritate me further. mum asked me to pick up the laundry and told her that i was doing my manicure and to wait a while for it to dry. and she insisted yet again. got fed up, i did as instructed. spoilt the manicure. haiz! was irritated to the max already. had my shower and dressed up for the coffee date. was dressing up, that i noticed i can't make it on time. smsed him to say that i would be a little late. 8 mins before 8pm, i got a reply that he had to cancel it. double irritation 4 the weekend. grr!!

wtf?!

i really badly need a break!! lets see, this weekend, payday!! shopping! jeans, mother's day present, perfume and a tech gadget.

infidelity.

physical infidelity or mental infidelity, which is worse? at one point of time surely you'll commit infidelity. in whichever manner, it still is infidelity. i admit, when i was with farid, i commit a mental one. is it bad? i don't think so. but those faithful lovers will not share the same sentiments. well, it was only a thought.

it is not as bad as a physical one. some will say, it is just sex. nothing to it. then after things happen, one day, someone come up to you and tell you to your face "hey dude, your girlfren/ boyfren is so damn hot in bed." how is your reaction going to be? will you still think, it is just sex anyway.


confuse. fill me in.

fatigue.

shagged. tired. exhausted. fatigue. 4 days down, one more to go before the weekends. had a bad day at work. felt very irritated since yesterday. pimples start popping out. argghh....! you're a damn darn bitch. may karma get back to you soon. maybe i was too in love with the children that i get angry easily when they are treated badly. it is already bad enough that i had to handle a hysteria child, just what is wrong in having your lunch a few minutes later to pat the kids to sleep? will a few minutes make your lunch disappear or turn your food mouldy? such attitude is just selfish.

i would rather drop lunch and make sure the children have their naps than see them fidgeting about while i'm eating. such selfish attitude just irks me. then there's the pregnant bitch. another pain in the ass. argh... i'm just so irritated. *breathe in breathe out*

thank god tomorrow is a friday and i'm on half day. going off to a seminar at tanjong pagar. lucky me. buzz off you assholes. i want to have the fullest rest this weekend.

honestly.

the bottom line
if you aren't sure you want to commit to a party, say no. don't be flighty.

in detail
if you aren't sure if you are ready to commit to a party, a date, a new job, or anything else that will take a chunk of your time, then don't say that you will commit just because you are afraid to hurt someone's feelings. the worst thing you can do is make a promise that you can't deliver on. it could brand you as an unreliable person, which you most definitely are not. so try not to be flighty -- be honest. in the end, people will appreciate honesty more than half-baked involvement.

yipee! i like.

in fact, yesterday, he told me he missed me so much that he felt like hugging me when we met the other day. i was lost for words. i told him, i unable to reciprocate his feelings. i'm unable to tell him that 'i miss you too". those words should not be said too easily. sorry. maybe i'm still not ready to commit to relationships yet. i'm not prepared to get hurt again.

shopping.

the bottom line
they say breaking up is hard to do, but today it's making up that will be tough.
in detail
they say that breaking up is hard to do, but today you'll discover just how hard that getting back together can be! the negotiations are not going very well right now, but by the end of the day the two of you can reach an agreement that leaves you both satisfied. In your business or career life, on the other hand, things are getting much easier! the answers you need are all coming to you. it looks like you can finally move forward with that exciting project.

i love what the horoscope say about my career life. but the relationship, never going to happen and don't wish to have that sort of negotiations.

no date again this weekend. though, i had one yesterday but had to turn down the offer. too shag after work for a date. sorry dude!

tomorrow, i need some retail therapy. a vintage tee and jeans is in my shopping list. ordered my flip flops online. hmmm... nice! i'm loving myself. when am i going to start saving eh? probably when i'd enough of retail therapy or someone to control my finance. haha! indeed. next tech gadget i'm aiming for is an mp3 or mp4. er, though i've an mp3 phone. ...and a lappie skin.

angst.

yipee! the book i ordered from U.S reached me nicely packed and warm. haha! and it is not a romance novel. its a book for the children. bought it when the exchange rate is still very low, plus shipping, i spent around sgd40. with that amount i can go shopping and get a few vintage tees or flip flop. geez! but i don't mind.
i'm putting in my heart and soul to make this career work.
to the jerk who thought i won't succeed, i'll make my mark one day. once i get the diploma, i'll send you a copy. don't be too arrogant, fat dude. argh! why is there still so much angst in me? let it be a form of motivation for me to prove him wrong.
who knows, 5yrs later, if i were to bump into his sister and the same qns is posed, "shida sekarang buat apa?" and i can proudly say, "i'm a principal." or "i'm self-employed. doing baby-sitting business." yummy ideas.

random.

did some shopping at the mall, after work, alone. needed some retail therapy, i thought. felt like going into times bookstore. while i was looking thru the novels, it hit me that i haven't even have the time for myself. my novels are collecting dust. my retail therapy turned out to be buying stuffs for work instead for myself. what am i? obsessed with my work? i think so. it really is a good escape from thinking too much and doing nothing about the thoughts.

my next book buy will be 'the zahir' by paulo coelho or maybe somebody kind enough to get it for my birthday present. not asking much, probably a few title from him. heh!

well, it is the mid-week. nothing to look forward to this weekend.

i'm out of the dating game, tentatively. nobody to put me back into the game. concentrating on doing well in my career. to you who might stumble upon this blog, please move on and don't wait for me as i am going to take a long time to be accepting you.

bad.

long weekend, indeed. the family chalet was super fun but too bad i was down with stomach flu and diarrhoea, couldn't eat that much. missed a lot of nice food. missed a game of monopoly with the cuzzins. but it's ok. a gathering with the cuzzins once in a while is fun though i was sick.

the bad thing about the chalet i went, island resort at east coast, you cannot bring your own pit and if you do you'll be fine $18. it is either you fork out $25 to rent theirs or $18 for a fine. no tables and chairs are provided, you'll have to rent $10 per table per day. bloodsuckers! as it is thier room rates are exhorbit, not convinent to come by public transport. pass this bad testimonial to everyone who wants to get a chalet there. guess, there won't be any more family gathering there. not until they change the management.

well, there isn't anymore long weekend until may.

enjoy your weekdays!

weekend.

woke up to a very quiet home. though it is a sunny saturday and i wish i am at the beach tanning, i don't hear the birds chirpping or mum flipping newspaper. it is too quiet. i thought i lost my hearing but no, it is going to be a quiet saturday. i did a whole week of laundry, darn, the rainy days. while waiting for the laundry to be done, sipped on coffee and did some workstuff on my new laptop. hehe! totally redundant info. bought it at the IT fair. noon, the guys from singtel fixed up the mioTV. three guys in the house and i'm alone. the idiotic brader is suppose to be home but he choose to be with his FAT, juvenile girlfriend. i don't like her. yucks! talkng about her spoils my mood and my blog. ish! digress!
evening, dinner with mummy at arnold's @ pasir ris fishing pond. then, groceries shopping at whitesands. slept at 3am cause i needed to finish up some workstuff. workaholic. work is a great escapade for the lonely hearts. haha!

woke up pretty early for a sunday. today, was woken up by the sound of my mum's vacuuming. this is normal, some noise on a weekend. i did the cooking today. a simple meal of spaghetti and broiled honey glazed chicken wings. my aunts was over at my place.

can't wait for the good friday. yipee! a family gathering at east coast chalet. people and foods. last year's gathering farid came. this year, surely i'm going to get some questions. "where is your friend?" or "where's bear?" grr... lucky thing i won't be overnighting on friday night. had work on saturday. can escape for a moment. got to remember to pack my bikini. need to get tan.

well, have a great week ahead!

never.

never say i love you
if you really don't care

never talk about feelings
if they aren't really there

never hold my hand
if you're going to break my heart

never say you're going to
if you don't plan to start

never look into my eyes
if all you do is lie

never say hello
if you really mean goodbye

if you really mean forever
then say you'll try

never say forever
cause forever makes me cry.

lost.

at first, it was him who left. now, my dearest girlfriend left for dubai. my pair of wings are gone. two of the closest people i have, left. when he left, i still have my girlfriend for comfort and support. now, i need to learn to be dependent on myself. *sob sob* no more shopping and make up guru. well, i need to adjust to situations i guess. but, where do i find a girlfriend for lame jokes or late night dirty little secrets talk? *sob sob*

well, dearest girlfriend, i wish you all the best in your career. this is something you've been wanting to do. i'll miss you, babe.

sick.

14.02.08, valentine's day. where was i? home after work. hugging my bolster while people out there were hugging their love ones. thought this year was going to be different as farid does not celebrate valentine's day. but no dates for me this year. it did not matter actually cause had some plans with girlfren on friday. planned to bake brownies and watch dvds but, was down with horrible stomach flu. wasted half a day leave sitting at home puking and shitting. felt very horrible.

saturday, friends of girlfren organise a farewell party for her at st james. dressed up and went partying. the party was fun except for the part that the stomach was still aching.

sunday, stay at home and do lesson planning. duh!

overall, i have a great weekend.

reunion.

the bottom line
a reunion with an ex forces you to ask questions about how much you've changed.
in detail
a surprise reunion between you and long lost ex will test your flexibility and force you to ask serious questions about how much you have really changed. the answers won't come easily, but if you have time to sit down for a conversation with this person, you can gain a lot of clarity on a lot of issues you thought were long gone -- or at least long-ago dealt with. but don't feel like you owe this person a formal reunion. if you feel like avoiding them altogether, you should.

explaination please. is it talking about farid? or someone else? when is it going to happen? is this for real? just after yesterday's post, my horoscope says this. er... believe or not to? i did not believe my horoscope the last time (refer to horror-scope post) but it happened. how? who? where? why? what? wtf.

fun.

long weekend. had lots of fun! surely i'll get monday blues. at the same time, i miss my children. babies, i really miss you. i'm going to hug you so hard and give you the wettest kiss. crazy. hehe! well, my holiday did not went on as planned.

on 07.02.2008, my family, cuzzins and aunts went to the zoo, as planned. luckily we get to see ah meng for the last time. had loads of fun. really enjoyed myself. at the same time, i also had fun male-watching. hehe!

on 08.02.2008, accompanied my girlfren to her cuzzin's engagement party. very simple day.

on 09.02.2008, suppose to go for mac ritchie treetop walk but am having fun in timbaktu instead. heh! too early to wake up on a saturday. at night, went to chomp's place for a sleepover. did manicure and pedicure. talking about our x-boyfriends. i realised that i'm still not able to figure farid out. the word "break-up" was such a taboo but in the end we still breakup. digress. i dreamt of a guy named faisal, last night. it felt too real. but i know that it will never happen in reality. he came to give me a surprise but backfired cause i wasn't at home. like how you disappoint me, the same way, i disappoint you. but, that was all in my dreams.

today, i reached home around 12pm. stayed home all day to do lesson planning and preparation. a typical sunday for me.

i don't want to countdown to the day that chomp is going to dubai. we had too much fun. i'm going to be bored and lame when she is away. better get a boyfriend after she fly off. he is going to be a rebound for chomp's departure. any takers?

anyways, enjoy your week! hopefully you don't get the monday blues!

hurt.

was sipping my iced latte at mc cafe, when my mind started to wonder off by itself. the person you love will always disappoint you. i strongly believe. at first, my parents' marriage came to thought. they were married for more than a decade, an affair spoilt it all. i've lived with him for less than a decade. the only image i have of him are those that my mum have been telling me and i've lived by it. i don't know who the real person he is.

then, the image of farid came to mind. this is the part i hate most. out of the blue, his sweet promises and memories came rushing back. i hate it, i hate it, i hate it. i tried so hard to hold back the tears but i can't help it. when i came back to reality, i hate myself. i hate myself for thinking of you. i am so over you, i can say confidently. but why, the devil in my head have to think of you. it is so unfair. it's been almost 6 months since you left me. maybe, the month of february brings a whole lot of memory especially on the 26th. it could be our 5th anniversary. i'm really hurting inside. now, i know how you felt when you said you were hurting inside everytime we had an argument. i do miss him at times.

foolish.

at first i told him i wasn't free. but there was a change of plan so i msged him saying i was free. again, there isn't any reply from him. well, i guess you're busy. annoys me that this isn't the first time and i still haven't give up. he might just be a phase. just like the others. i hate the thought of it. someone ever told me, when a mistake is done the first time, it is ignorance. twice, might be because you forget. but thrice, it is plain stupidity. i guess i'm plain foolish cause it takes the fourth time for me to learn my mistake. or it isn't a mistake? pursue or not to?

maybe, it is time to stop. sorry, dear. you're no different from the other guys i date. i don't know why i was so smitten by you.

am spending my weekends with my aunts and mummy. with them i can gossip about the guys i date. at least, they don't judge me. guess, i'll talk about him this round of gossip session. haha!

yipee! it is the long weekend. i'm packed for the whole week, spending time with my aunts (again), mummy, brother and cousins. 1st day of CNY, to the zoo. 2nd day, cousin yan's b'day. saturday, to mac ritchie reservoir for the treetop walk. sunday, stay home for lesson planning. hehe!

enjoy the holidays! wishing you and family a happy new year! may the new year bring you wealth and health! gong xi fa cai!

again.

well, as expected. there isn't any news from him. i was contemplating if i should msg him. eventually, i did. but got no answer. how foolish of me to allow myself to indulge in his flirtatious game. tsk tsk tsk. maybe i should move on. well, the next time he ask me out, i'm going to reject you. not my fault, dear. you disappoint me 3 times already. why am i always falling for the wrong type of guy? falling for playboys, casanova and jerks. nice guys are better for friends. then again, becoming a lesbian is not a bad idea afterall, right? ok, i'm not in a right state of mind. sigh! knock some sense into me please.

anyways, enjoy your weekends!

horror-scope.

my horoscope for today.
"your focus should be on fun today -- having it, creating it, and commemorating it. celebrations can happen for any reason at any time, and you are in just the type of mood that will enable you to prove that very point! make a party happen wherever you go, and do not take anything too seriously. bad news has taken a vacation from your life, and you deserve it. amusing people are eager to share their amusing stories, so be encouraging and help other people ride the fun wave you're on."

what i like is that, bad news has taken a vacation from my life, and i deserve it. hopefully it is a long vacation it is taking.

but my lovescope doesn't sound good.
"you have assigned the star role to someone in your life. in reality though, this person is merely part of the chorus. as long as you continue to focus on him, you're missing out on perfectly solid possibilities. reassess your piorities."
doesn't it mean i shud forget about him and focus on someone else? but i like him. hmm. dilemma. the strange thing is, each time after i blog about him, he will msg on the same day or next. i don't wish to pursue him. i shudn't be chasing but chased after. haha! illusion.

anyways, have a great week ahead!

missed.

few months back i told you that i'll be missing you but now, i am sure that i don't and won't be missing you. got over you, i can say confidently. however, revenge is still the sweetest. but then again, negative stuff will just corrode me. let karma get back to you for me. they say that if you lose somebody, it mean someone better will come, one day. but what about the other party who left? will he get the worse partner ever? hmm.

moonlight.

the moon is so bright tonight. my mind started to wonder. "digging my feet into the sand, resting my head on his shoulder and enjoying the night breeze, under the beautiful moon and bright stars." what a nice dream i've got. who is that guy anyway? haha! the forever dreamy me. snapping out of dreams and back to earth. whatever it is, the night is so beautiful. lucky thing i'm single. or the boyfriend can puke out entertaining my stupid romantic fantasy. haha! maybe i can let my mind wonder again when i go for my weekday getaway to Bintan! yes, you read it right, a weekday trip! what an ass, taking leave on a weekday just for a break. haha!

anyways, have a great weekday! looking forward to the CNY holidays!

sunday.

no date for 2 weeks, nice. see, i'm cutting down on dating. so, don't say that i'm actively dating.
spend the sunday at home with my family, not literally. finally, had omellet for brunch courtesy of mummy. super heavy, burp! then, i transform myself into the desprate housewife. house cleaning and cooking. what happen to mummy? she prefer me cooking the soup to her own cooking. tsk tsk tsk. funny thing was i did not feel tired. i went on to do my lesson plan and finished off before midnight though i "multi-task" to check e-mails and online shopping. yipee! doing all this while everyone was taking their afternoon nap. pretty "relaxed" for a weekend.

next weekend will be full of shopping trip or partying! payday, baby!

disappointed.

"i got my sights set on you and i'm ready to aim
i have a heart that will never be tamed
i knew you were something special
when you spoke my name
now i can't wait to see you again"

it is already 9pm and i've stopped waiting for your call. well, i guess what my horoscope said is true, "flirtation that won't be seen through". i am disappointed. i was really looking forward to meet up with him. but, it was plain flirtation on his part and foolish me took it seriously. well, a lesson learnt. never take a guy's word seriously. tell me that you miss me, you would like to hold me in your arms, you would like to kiss me under the moonlight and stars, you would rather be with me and no one else and all those mushy words are just full of bullshit.

hopefully, my sunday will be better.