apology.

here's an excerpt from 'the last lecture' by randy pausch. hope everyone can learn from it.

apologies are not pass / fail. i always told my students: when giving an apology, any performance lower than an A really doesn't cut it.

half-hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologising at all because recipients find them insulting. if you've done something wrong in your dealings with another person, it's as if there's an infection your relationship. a good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt into the wound.

.....i'd start by describing the two classic bad apologies:

1. "i'm sorry you feel hurt by what i've done." (this is an attempt at an emotional salve, but it's obvious you don't want to put any medicine in the wound.)
2. "i apologise for what i did, but you also need to apologise to me for what you've done." (that's not giving an apology. that's asking for one.)

proper apologies have three parts:

1. what i did was wrong.
2. i feel badly that i hurt u.
3. how do i make this better?

yes, some people may take advantage of you when answering question three. but most people genuinely appreciate of your make-good efforts. they may tell you hoe to make it better in some small, easy way. and often, they'll work harder to help make things better themselves.

"what if i apologise and the other doesn't apologise back?"
"that's not something you can control, so don't let it eat at you."

if other people owe you an apology, and your words of apology to them are proper and heartfelt, you still may not hear from them for a while. after all, what are the odds that get to the right emotional place to apologise at the exact moment you do? so just be patient. your patience will be both appreciated and rewarded.

i sent him a sms on the night of hari raya. seeking forgiveness for the hurt i caused. but i did not include the 'how do i make this better?'. not courageous enough. i guess, i just have to be patient and wait since, i may not be hearing from him for a while.