mistakes.

even the most responsible among us has mistakes in their past, mistakes they'd like to forget, mistakes that sometimes come back to haunt them.

silence.

not a single tear i've shed since i walked off from him. don't be sad for that cause i believed the person you love will never make you cry. no matter how painful it was, i believe you are not a jerk who will make me cry. the love that i have for you will only be for you.


friends didn't believe that i am not going out with anyone. i'm officially quitting the dating game. it is either you or no one else, that is the deal i made.


an excerpt from 'If you could see me now',

"her hopes were raised up the flagpole, waving and blowing in the breeze for all to see. there they would weather the storms and winds, only to be lowered, tattered and ruined.

just because they “appear” to emerge from the same point doesn't mean that they do. this is an illusion of perspective created by distance. everyone moves in different directions. that we all emerge from the same point is a misconception; to travel in different directions is the very nature of every being and every existing thing.

when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. when a window shatters, a table breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes noise. but as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. you would think its so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole wide world, or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

if there is a noise, it's internal. it screams and no one can hear it but you. it screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. it thrashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea; it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. that's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions.

but that's the thing about love – no one is untouchable. it's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, its silent. you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it."

i'm upset but it doesn't matter. i shall observe.

silence is not golden, afterall.

imissyou, badly.

selfish.

a "date" with him, had dinner and walked back to his place. a nice night i had. for each time we went out, i'll have the speration anxiety. i left with a heavy heart.

told him about a crazy arsehole i knew from tagged. he said, i should not be selfish and start to get to know people. right there i cut him, yes, i want to be selfish. being generous, ended me up with an heartache. no one else shall have a feel of my love.

in God i trust, have better plans for me. until one day when my heart do soften, i'll fall beautifully in love.

iloveyou.

reminisce.

gosh! the moon is so beautiful tonight. reminisce to the date 11.05.2009 @ east coast park. it was a beautiful moonlight. i fall head over heels for him. that was the day i started to feel love for you, dear hubby. the day you told me all about yourself. we talked and talked the night away. hating to have to leave the place. after each date we had, you would hate me. you hate me cause you had fallen for me. and being away from me was painful.

i have no regrets blocking and deleting the jantan sundalz away from tagged, msn and facebook. i've disposed off my past and trying to be strong for my present and future. i've done my level best, and leaving the rest up to fate to decide.

i am delighted you texted me last night. i was literally jumping around my room. thanks God. but i was disappointed when you didn't text me about dinner.

imissyou, hubby.

love.

un-flaw-less.

emotional and stress management is my greatest downfall. lacking of those two skills have made me lose someone. having to go to work with hurtful remark from him the previous day and added pressure from work, it was like adding kerosene to the already burning anger in me. i was like a pressure cooker. the break up was a released of the pressure. but, all was too late when the pressure was subdued. i lost him to my own failure of managing my emotions. this is another lesson i have to learn.

this flaw was not something he had to understand and know when he was with me. cause i'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you and smile. the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own.

sorry, i kept a lot from you especially the hurt i was going through while with you. my feelings was true but behind those sweet smiles was hidden hurt which i was not ready to share with you.

phew! now, it is all off my chest.

an action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure.

prayer.

dear God,
hectic is the word i'd use to describe my life now. gosh! in all this busy-ness, never a single day i went to sleep without thinking and saying a small prayer for him, no matter how exhausting my day was. all i asked for was, if he really is meant to be or not, i need a sign. but a thing for sure, i'm not going to put myself at risk of getting hurt again. as though getting hurt twice in 2009 isn't enough.

please don't put me in a crossroad again. twice i chose the wrong way or was it once? is he a wrong path i had chosen? and if there is going to be a third one, i'm so sorry but to stay put until the path is a clear way.

i disposed of my past and something not to be repeated. learning from those ugly past is the best way for me to carry on living a new life, with or without him. but i'm still hoping a life with him. at times i questioned myself, why am i still wishing upon a star?

smile.

thank you, dear God. at least, it ease the feeling of missing him a lil'. i'll sleep with a smile tonight. may my day be bright tomorrow as my night ended with him.

imissyou, still.

whacked.

feeling like crap after reading our MSN message history. i'm such a sucker for sentimental stuffs. i was the princess, THE sunshine, a person he would want to colour his life and all those sweet nothings. i miss him badly. every night before i doze off, i would say a lil' prayer for him. my night ended with thoughts of you. you were also the first i thought of in the morning. i'm whacked out if these continues.

reading those message logs just brought back memories. till now, i still look out of my workplace window and wished you would be there waiting for me at the carpark. i am still praying hard for your return and believed in second chance.

i had wanted to leave things to fate but it seems fate is busy. i shall wait for the day you would forgive me. cupid is surely no where to be found. i ain't falling for anyone.

imissyou, badly.