turmoil.

there are two kind of worlds: one we dream about and the real one. how does one differentiate when both worlds seemed surreal? when one dreams, one hope for the dream to come true. when the real world is harsh, one falls back into dreams.

the future with you is what i dream. what i am having with you now, all seem surreal. you told me that i'm single but unavailable and you tell me you want me. you got me confuse.

but darling, i got you figured out. tell me what differs you from the others??! all they want is every part of me except for one, my heart. the same theory can be applied for you.

you put me through the roller coaster of feelings. you made me feel high for you and you can make me detest you the most. stop all the games you are playing. i'm tired. you have the right to be text-ing any girls you want, date whoever you love but stop putting me through this turmoil.

just what did i do to deserve the hot-cold treatment from you??

i'm so shagged, all i want to do is momentarily disappearing from the surface of the earth.

dear God, please give me the strength to pull through this ordeal. i need to get over him. he shall not have a hold of me. i need to get a move on with my life.

hoping.

who am i kidding saying i'm busy with work and studies? who am i kidding saying i'm too busy to date? all i'm doing is kidding myself. it is a joke God is playing on me. laughing out loud, dear God. it is a funny joke! truth behold, i'm still hoping against hope. waiting. wishing upon the shooting stars. doing all what i don't believe in. all, but telling him how much i still want him back in my life. telling him just how much i'm still in love with him. every morning, hoping there would be a window seat, just so i could catch a glimpse of you at the bus stop. again, i'm hoping against hope. and wishing upon the shooting stars. just one thing which never had occurred to me, GIVE UP!! kill all the feelings of love and missing him. what he is worth for anyway? in which part of his anatomy would i even co-exists? NONE.

deleting all those jerks number off, stop meeting people and let work keep me sane. a joke on myself. this isn't me. this is NOT me.

just what was i thinking? not dating. not meeting new people. all i'm doing is waiting. and waiting for you.

you're a thing from the past, collecting dust in the attic. that is where you should be placed.

vague.

unmotivated. stress.
all seem vague for a moment. something is amiss in this busy life i hate leading. too much is going on at a time. pushing all thoughts out of the cluttered mind, only one had remained stubbornly. tried as i might to shoo him away from the mind, he stays in the heart now. bleargh!

memories of past were vague, thought farid gave me the best four years of my youth. i was wrong. someone gave me the best month of my 22-going-23 years old of my life. though it was short lived, it was the best relationship i had. it was my mistake. been questioning the inner being, why does he have to remain at the place which was suppose to be left empty.

an overstayer. but, imissyou.



psst....





iloveyou.

solitary.

loneliness is the best friend, cause whether you're with someone or not, it will always be there waiting for you, it is the one thing that can never be taken away from you, and the lesson is to face it, befriend it, and become a stronger person as a result, and then be supremely happy being alone, and then love will walk into your life when you're not searching for it.

it had been a quiet week. he seem to fade away by the day. though at times i still do miss him.

mama asked me, "adik, who are you dating now?" i was dumb at first. i told mama, "your daughter has a heart of stone. and time isn't with me to be dating."

after my unsuccessful 4.5 years relationship, dating and seeing guys had open a whole new world of jerks for me. only a handful of them i can proudly call them my friends. just in 2009, i fall for 2 wrong guys. well, they say, you meet a whole lot of wrong guys before you meet the right one. as for me, 2 wrong guys are good enough for me to learn a lesson from. i'm learning to be supremely happy being alone.

you came and went as you pleased,
leaving excuses on your way out,
you came only when you needed me.
you went when you were satisfied.
tell me, what differs you from the rest?

fade.

it's over. he's gone.
why do we have to part while the love is still there?
why do we have to suffer?
why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye?
why do beginnings have an end?
why do we have to meet only to lose in the end?
there are questions left unanswered,
words left unsaid,
letters left unread,
poems left undone,
songs left unsung,
love left unexpressed,
promises left unfulfilled.

in a relationship,
one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go.
it is as hard as breaking a crystal because
you'll never know when youwill be able to pick up the pieces again.
more often than not, they who go,
feel not the pain of parting
it is they who stay behind that suffer,
because they are left with memories of a love
that was meant to be,
a love that was.

at the beginning and at the end of a relationship,
we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone.
unfair as it may seem, but that's the way love goes.
that's the drama, the bittersweetand the risk of falling in love.
after all, nothing is constant but change.
everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when,
without us knowing how, without us even knowing why.
and we must forget not because we have to
but because we need to.

in letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in batallion.
it seems that everywhere you go,
everything you do,
every song you hear,
every turn of your head,
every move of your body,
every beat of your heart,
every blink of your eye and
every breath you take always reminds you of him.
it's like a stab of a knife,
a torture in the night.
funny how the whole world becomes depopulated
when only one person is missing.
just imagine,
there are billion people on earth and yet it seems
you feel lonely and empty without the other.

i don't know if it's worth calling an art,
but letting go entails special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time.
time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part.
acceptance plays a part.
not all love stories end with"...and they live happily ever after."
sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control.
we have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others.
we have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains.
every beginning has its end
like every dawn has its dusk.
it's something we can't control,
something we had to live up.

it's over. he's gone.
but life has to go on.
goodbye doesn't always mean forever.
there will always be a place and time
where questions will be answered,
words will be spoken,
letters will be read,
poems will be recited in the night,
songs will be sung in harmony,
love will be expressed in solitude and
promises will be fulfilled.
somewhere. somehow. someday.

mercilessly.

for every night i prayed for you, i fall asleep halfway through.
is this God's way of saying forget about you?

when imissyou, i would go to your profile. today, i stumbled upon the message, bbaby. i am jealous. and my heart dropped. i guess this is the second sign of 'forget about you'. as much as i would want to forget about you, it keeps on coming back to me.

deep down, i do miss you. your disappearing and appearing game are just what the others are doing. i question myself, why do i feel hurt with the games you play and not the others?

when something undesirable grows in my soul, i ask God to give me the same courage, mercilessly to pluck it out.

test.

i hate how i am feeling towards you. everyday i crave for you. everyday i hope for your text messages. arrrrggghhhhhh!!! you're just not into me, don't you? letting go wasn't that easy.

dear God,
why do you have to put me through this test? i don't think i can manage the test you gave me. please give me a sign where this is leading to.