failures.

as a girl i didn't see a happily ever after ending in my parents marriage. since then, i was taught that fairy tales don't exists in real world. as much as i would want to be believe that true love does exists and that there still is a man who will make me happy, a man who will make me believe that fairy tale does exists, somehow i have been pulled into the whirlpool of the harsh reality yet again. each time i being reminded of my family members failed marriage, its discouraging. it's as though i'm doomed for a failed marriage in future too.

dear God, please help show my mama that You didn't forget to make good men and that they do exists in this time too.

mask.

take off the mask that you have been wearing and clean off that thick make-up that had been on your face cause the drama had ended. the curtains are down, drop the act. isn't it tiring to keep up with the act? when it is time to be yourself, hard isn't it? cause all these while you are not who you seem to be. it was that fake facade that people been seeing. it is fake.


for the emotions seemed to take a backseat while the mask that had been worn was all smiles. a turmoil of emotions, suddenly. it never is a fair world. but, where do the strength of having to face up to the harsh, unfair reality comes from?

twenty-four.

well, a totally back dated post.

on third of june, i turned twenty four, a year short of reaching mid-twenties. this year i had you to spend this day with. it all seem surreal. at times, i needed to give myself a bitch slap to ensure myself i'm not dreaming.

we went to a drive-thru and had late supper in the car at east coast park. there isn't the traditional birthday cake and candles and i'm still the happiest girl. yes, i am twenty-four but you made me feel like a girl still.

twenty-four kisses to start off my birthday.

the birthday gift which came in advance and with a lil' note which says "happy 24th birthday sayang... i love you from the bottom of my heart... thanks for being mine... muakx!!"

and it was a total surprise. he had wanted me to text him once i reached home, that was a routine each day especially on days i've class. nothing suspicious. unfortunately, my hp died on me. and while waiting for the lift, the he was standing behind me, out of breathe. he had been waiting for me in the car and sprung me the surprise. i was totally lost for words.

all vocabulary escaped my open-wide-mouth when i opened the present. a PINK samsung hp.

thank you, dear.

iLuvU!

iluvyou, mama.

dear mama,

working and studying simultaneously is no child's play. no one told me it was this tough. three hours, three times a week for the next thirty months. and the reason i'm putting up with this, all for the sake of a better future for myself and letting you enjoy your retirement though not an early one.

all i'm asking from you is a little understanding. at times, after class i just need to spend some time with him. though i may reach home very late, i won't and didn't forget my responsibilities the next day. and saturdays are the only time i can spend quality time for myself and for him. sundays, its our family day.

as much as i try not to grumble and complain when asked to do the household chores, you seem to forget you have a son living in the midst.

most times you think he can't be dependent on but, mama, he have to start doing something about himself. loafing around at home for the past years and i'm solely providing for the family, it really wears me out.

i'm doing my very best to break away from the vicious cycle of having to stretch our dollars till month end and not having any savings for ourselves.

please don't ever give up hope on your son and i need your full support to go through my tough times.

dear mama, i luv you.

hush.

the greatest distance on earth is not north and south, it is when i am right in front of you and you do not know i love you.

love is a strong word to describe your feelings for me when asked. but as some wise man says only fools rush in. but i can't help falling in love with you.


well, whats a milder word to describe what you have for me?

i shall not probe. you said it best when you said nothing at all.

friday.

another long weekend for some, but ain't for me.

he was all quiet on thursday and finally a text msg close to midnight from him asking me to sleep early so that we can be out early the next day. surprise! surprise! i thought he totally forgets about our date to sentosa. i needed a tan and him a place to play his new toy.

him being a late sleeper and even later riser, woke me up as early as 8.30am. kudos to your effort, dear! but still, friday being a weekday, i had woken up at 7am. we promised to meet at 10.30am. and me the not-so-morning person, took more time to get ready and realised its 10am. him, the not-so-punctual person is gonna be late. well, still not enough time for me to take the train. i dilly-dally away the time and took a cab. he was later than i am. so, we met at 11am and had brunch at LJS, vivo.

seriously, i had no idea what overcome my emotions, i was throwing a little tantrum and was quiet from the time i met him till way after i had tanned. before i had my shower, its the question of, where to go next. bleargh! he got sleepy while waiting for me, so we went to get some rest.

after some good rest, it was dinner time. intial plan was to head some where for dinner but the rain caught up with us. so, we rode from harbourfront till jurong. i wasn't soaking wet but just shivering cold. reached his void deck and went for dinner near his place. a lil of lepaks at his place and my eyes keep closing.

and he drove me home at 11pm. gosh! that was a whole day of events!

back to work on saturday. and slept thru the day.

sundays are my slack-at-home day.

mad hatter.

fallen, not with a bump but comfortably into his arm.

once upon a time i was Alice. you exists only in my Wonderland. but i had to leave for i had some unanswered questions that needs to be answered and things to be doing. but, i had not promise to return.
when my reality got too harsh, there i saw the white rabbit. i followed the white rabbit and fell into the hole where i was brought back to wonderland. i'm glad you were still there waiting for my return.

this time round, i didn't leave Wonderland alone.

like Alice, she met Mad Hatter in Wonderland, i met my Mad Hatter in Reality. unlike Alice, i won't wake up and be missing you. unlike Mad Hatter, you don't exists only in my dreams.

lurve ya!

great-ness.

the super long weekend went by nicely for me.

13.02.2010, saturday, i was at wild wild wet, downtown east. superb fun-filling time spent with mama and aunty. i had my filled of gorgeous life guards. drools!
texted him, after a whole week. any longer, i swear i'll go crazy. it wasn't anything about me being ego. i just didn't wanna lose him for another time. digress. had asked him out but, he had to work till late.

14.02.2010, sunday, celebrated 1st uncle's birthday at zac cafe, jln pinang with aunt, mama and youngest uncle. they served middle eastern and western food. i had fish kebab but, sadly the food wasn't up to my expectation. it doesn't take a food critic to notice that the fish kebab was mediocre. my uncle's steak was delicious. probably the chef specialise in western cooking than middle eastern. after the lunch date, we headed to sengkang to pay my aunt a visit. they spent a long time chatting and me slacking on the couch watching tv. but when 1st uncle told his tale as a sailor. i had to snicker till i couldn't help and barf out laughing. at the same time injecting a little humour into the otherwise serious tale. we ended the night at 10.30pm. i was shagged.
surprisingly, he asked me out. that was a rare occurrence. but, something cropped up last minute.

15.02.2010, monday, movies at GV grand with HIM. initially the plan for the day was a picnic. i had to cook for him. but sadly, i'm covered with sunburn. he suggested a much cooling place. so, movies it was. i booked the tickets for 'percy jackson and the lightning thief'. while walking by the nike store at great world city, i saw syah. he urged for me to approach him. nah! i rather take the risk of going to unknown places with him than waste my time approaching the ex-boyfriend.
after movies, it had always been the routine of not knowing where to go next and the same pushing-the-responsibility-of-thinking-to-the-other-person habit we have. and there, the STB booklet gave us the idea.
i decided on Labrador park. we reached just in time for sunset but, we aren't a big fan of sunset. before he gets lazy to get the bike from the far away carpark, we had to make a move, meaning we had to think of another place. bleargh! we decided on ECP, thinking it won't be packed but i was wrong. we ended up at pasir ris park instead. it was pure comfort having his arms around me.
well, every start has to have an end. so, the night had to be over and sadness had to engulf my emotions. i hate goodbyes but the spine-breaking-eye-popping hug and a kiss made it easier. i had him for the whole day, pure sweetness.

16.02.2010, tuesday, it is a stay-at-home day. aunts had slept over and it was food and talks for them. while me, had difficulties tearing away the bolster from hugging me tightly. no movie marathon like i had planned but, it was food and sleep marathon.

well, it is back to work. not looking forward but i miss those lil' chubby cheeks already.

hide-and-seek.

decrypting every word you said, sieving whats real and whats not, seeking eventhough you are there. it tires me out. i'm not leaving yet, just hiding in a dark corner. when you are ready to seek, open your heart and i'll be present again.

two-zero-one-zero.

there wasn't any fireworks nor was there a countdown, there was just you and me accompanied by laughter, smiles and sparkles in the eye. that was how i started off my two-zero-one-zero.

two-zero-zero-nine, i started off the year more extravagantly, booze, loud music, foam party with a great guy, so i thought. but, things didn't work out. people come and go in my life, i told him. he said he won't be one of them, all of the others said so too. you're gone like the passing winds. you inflicted me with a superficial cut which heals easily.

for each time i was put on the crossroads, i had to make a choice. after much thought, i chose stability over feelings. i had loved him for a moment but, i had to walk out on him. it hurts him but not as much as it hurts me. being a playa, i doubt he ever know how it felt to be hurt. you had inflicted a deeper cut when you had your fun toying with my feelings. it took me sometime to heal from the wound that was rubbed with salt.

and all this while, i had missed someone. he isn't someone i was willing to let go easily. a sweet pleasure of knowing him. the guy i ended two-zero-zero-nine with.

as much as those people played a part in my life, so does my career. i was done with my cert in preschool teaching and now, shall move on to diploma in early childhood. the environment that i had adapted nicely into is treating me pretty well. staying away from politics is the best way of survival.

well, 2009 was filled with sweet memories and wasn't a bad year after all. shall create more sweet memories for 2010.