intrigued.

it was a bitter-sweet memory which will forever be etched in the bank of memories. my emotions were greatly intrigued. the after-taste left me unsure and insecure. i have to admit, the honeymoon period is over, it ain't a bed of roses anymore. so what should come after the honeymoon period? will i be happy just to know that you woke up in the morning and reached home in one piece?

the devil is in my mind, whispering sweet-nothings of a future without you. but the lil angel that resides in my heart won't back down without a fight. it was a tough fight. and it is still fighting. the insecurities that i'm feeling is slowly killing me. as much as i want to ignore that feeling, the coldness i get from you just doesn't help. just how much do you want this to work?

mistakes of the past are undeniable. making it right again, wasn't an easy task. all i need was some warmth and reassurance from you that i'm not alone.

='(

villain.

after last night's argument, you made me realised that it was the financial sacrifice you had done for me was all you can see. though i know i'm clearly at fault for the argument, i'm still disappointed.

when i'm totally at fault, you racked up the past and i just had to be quiet about it. yes, you made sacrifices but don't i have any good part in this relationship drama? am i just the villain? when it comes to your fault which i picked just ONCE, have you apologise for that? never. you never see it as something wrong you did because i got the dates all wrong. did you see the bottom line of it? even if you did, you'll never admit you are wrong. the fault is all mine.

every expectations of yours i had to meet them, a failure in meeting them, spells doomsday for me. i don't want to impose any expectations on you. for i know jolly well how high my expectations can be and when it is not met, i'll get disappointed big time. just a simple expectation of not drinking with the boys was not met, the tables was turned and it became my fault.

i've lost my voice of reasoning. i'll always lose to your words of wisdom. just let it be that way cause i'll still be the villain in this drama.

failures.

as a girl i didn't see a happily ever after ending in my parents marriage. since then, i was taught that fairy tales don't exists in real world. as much as i would want to be believe that true love does exists and that there still is a man who will make me happy, a man who will make me believe that fairy tale does exists, somehow i have been pulled into the whirlpool of the harsh reality yet again. each time i being reminded of my family members failed marriage, its discouraging. it's as though i'm doomed for a failed marriage in future too.

dear God, please help show my mama that You didn't forget to make good men and that they do exists in this time too.

mask.

take off the mask that you have been wearing and clean off that thick make-up that had been on your face cause the drama had ended. the curtains are down, drop the act. isn't it tiring to keep up with the act? when it is time to be yourself, hard isn't it? cause all these while you are not who you seem to be. it was that fake facade that people been seeing. it is fake.


for the emotions seemed to take a backseat while the mask that had been worn was all smiles. a turmoil of emotions, suddenly. it never is a fair world. but, where do the strength of having to face up to the harsh, unfair reality comes from?

twenty-four.

well, a totally back dated post.

on third of june, i turned twenty four, a year short of reaching mid-twenties. this year i had you to spend this day with. it all seem surreal. at times, i needed to give myself a bitch slap to ensure myself i'm not dreaming.

we went to a drive-thru and had late supper in the car at east coast park. there isn't the traditional birthday cake and candles and i'm still the happiest girl. yes, i am twenty-four but you made me feel like a girl still.

twenty-four kisses to start off my birthday.

the birthday gift which came in advance and with a lil' note which says "happy 24th birthday sayang... i love you from the bottom of my heart... thanks for being mine... muakx!!"

and it was a total surprise. he had wanted me to text him once i reached home, that was a routine each day especially on days i've class. nothing suspicious. unfortunately, my hp died on me. and while waiting for the lift, the he was standing behind me, out of breathe. he had been waiting for me in the car and sprung me the surprise. i was totally lost for words.

all vocabulary escaped my open-wide-mouth when i opened the present. a PINK samsung hp.

thank you, dear.

iLuvU!

iluvyou, mama.

dear mama,

working and studying simultaneously is no child's play. no one told me it was this tough. three hours, three times a week for the next thirty months. and the reason i'm putting up with this, all for the sake of a better future for myself and letting you enjoy your retirement though not an early one.

all i'm asking from you is a little understanding. at times, after class i just need to spend some time with him. though i may reach home very late, i won't and didn't forget my responsibilities the next day. and saturdays are the only time i can spend quality time for myself and for him. sundays, its our family day.

as much as i try not to grumble and complain when asked to do the household chores, you seem to forget you have a son living in the midst.

most times you think he can't be dependent on but, mama, he have to start doing something about himself. loafing around at home for the past years and i'm solely providing for the family, it really wears me out.

i'm doing my very best to break away from the vicious cycle of having to stretch our dollars till month end and not having any savings for ourselves.

please don't ever give up hope on your son and i need your full support to go through my tough times.

dear mama, i luv you.

hush.

the greatest distance on earth is not north and south, it is when i am right in front of you and you do not know i love you.

love is a strong word to describe your feelings for me when asked. but as some wise man says only fools rush in. but i can't help falling in love with you.


well, whats a milder word to describe what you have for me?

i shall not probe. you said it best when you said nothing at all.