me.

intrigued.

2011-06-16T20:46:00.004+08:00

it was a bitter-sweet memory which will forever be etched in the bank of memories. my emotions were greatly intrigued. the after-taste left me unsure and insecure. i have to admit, the honeymoon period is over, it ain't a bed of roses anymore. so what should come after the honeymoon period? will i be happy just to know that you woke up in the morning and reached home in one piece?

the devil is in my mind, whispering sweet-nothings of a future without you. but the lil angel that resides in my heart won't back down without a fight. it was a tough fight. and it is still fighting. the insecurities that i'm feeling is slowly killing me. as much as i want to ignore that feeling, the coldness i get from you just doesn't help. just how much do you want this to work?

mistakes of the past are undeniable. making it right again, wasn't an easy task. all i need was some warmth and reassurance from you that i'm not alone.

='(

villain.

2011-01-15T10:44:00.003+08:00

after last night's argument, you made me realised that it was the financial sacrifice you had done for me was all you can see. though i know i'm clearly at fault for the argument, i'm still disappointed.

when i'm totally at fault, you racked up the past and i just had to be quiet about it. yes, you made sacrifices but don't i have any good part in this relationship drama? am i just the villain? when it comes to your fault which i picked just ONCE, have you apologise for that? never. you never see it as something wrong you did because i got the dates all wrong. did you see the bottom line of it? even if you did, you'll never admit you are wrong. the fault is all mine.

every expectations of yours i had to meet them, a failure in meeting them, spells doomsday for me. i don't want to impose any expectations on you. for i know jolly well how high my expectations can be and when it is not met, i'll get disappointed big time. just a simple expectation of not drinking with the boys was not met, the tables was turned and it became my fault.

i've lost my voice of reasoning. i'll always lose to your words of wisdom. just let it be that way cause i'll still be the villain in this drama.

failures.

2010-10-16T18:52:00.002+08:00

as a girl i didn't see a happily ever after ending in my parents marriage. since then, i was taught that fairy tales don't exists in real world. as much as i would want to be believe that true love does exists and that there still is a man who will make me happy, a man who will make me believe that fairy tale does exists, somehow i have been pulled into the whirlpool of the harsh reality yet again. each time i being reminded of my family members failed marriage, its discouraging. it's as though i'm doomed for a failed marriage in future too.

dear God, please help show my mama that You didn't forget to make good men and that they do exists in this time too.

mask.

2010-08-22T00:49:00.004+08:00

take off the mask that you have been wearing and clean off that thick make-up that had been on your face cause the drama had ended. the curtains are down, drop the act. isn't it tiring to keep up with the act? when it is time to be yourself, hard isn't it? cause all these while you are not who you seem to be. it was that fake facade that people been seeing. it is fake.

for the emotions seemed to take a backseat while the mask that had been worn was all smiles. a turmoil of emotions, suddenly. it never is a fair world. but, where do the strength of having to face up to the harsh, unfair reality comes from?

twenty-four.

2010-06-19T22:16:00.001+08:00

well, a totally back dated post.

on third of june, i turned twenty four, a year short of reaching mid-twenties. this year i had you to spend this day with. it all seem surreal. at times, i needed to give myself a bitch slap to ensure myself i'm not dreaming.

we went to a drive-thru and had late supper in the car at east coast park. there isn't the traditional birthday cake and candles and i'm still the happiest girl. yes, i am twenty-four but you made me feel like a girl still.

twenty-four kisses to start off my birthday.

the birthday gift which came in advance and with a lil' note which says "happy 24th birthday sayang... i love you from the bottom of my heart... thanks for being mine... muakx!!"

and it was a total surprise. he had wanted me to text him once i reached home, that was a routine each day especially on days i've class. nothing suspicious. unfortunately, my hp died on me. and while waiting for the lift, the he was standing behind me, out of breathe. he had been waiting for me in the car and sprung me the surprise. i was totally lost for words.

all vocabulary escaped my open-wide-mouth when i opened the present. a PINK samsung hp.

thank you, dear.

iLuvU!

iluvyou, mama.

2010-04-22T23:13:00.002+08:00

dear mama,

working and studying simultaneously is no child's play. no one told me it was this tough. three hours, three times a week for the next thirty months. and the reason i'm putting up with this, all for the sake of a better future for myself and letting you enjoy your retirement though not an early one.

all i'm asking from you is a little understanding. at times, after class i just need to spend some time with him. though i may reach home very late, i won't and didn't forget my responsibilities the next day. and saturdays are the only time i can spend quality time for myself and for him. sundays, its our family day.

as much as i try not to grumble and complain when asked to do the household chores, you seem to forget you have a son living in the midst.

most times you think he can't be dependent on but, mama, he have to start doing something about himself. loafing around at home for the past years and i'm solely providing for the family, it really wears me out.

i'm doing my very best to break away from the vicious cycle of having to stretch our dollars till month end and not having any savings for ourselves.

please don't ever give up hope on your son and i need your full support to go through my tough times.

dear mama, i luv you.

hush.

2010-04-04T22:34:00.003+08:00

the greatest distance on earth is not north and south, it is when i am right in front of you and you do not know i love you.

love is a strong word to describe your feelings for me when asked. but as some wise man says only fools rush in. but i can't help falling in love with you.

well, whats a milder word to describe what you have for me?

i shall not probe. you said it best when you said nothing at all.

friday.

2010-04-04T15:10:00.003+08:00

another long weekend for some, but ain't for me.

he was all quiet on thursday and finally a text msg close to midnight from him asking me to sleep early so that we can be out early the next day. surprise! surprise! i thought he totally forgets about our date to sentosa. i needed a tan and him a place to play his new toy.

him being a late sleeper and even later riser, woke me up as early as 8.30am. kudos to your effort, dear! but still, friday being a weekday, i had woken up at 7am. we promised to meet at 10.30am. and me the not-so-morning person, took more time to get ready and realised its 10am. him, the not-so-punctual person is gonna be late. well, still not enough time for me to take the train. i dilly-dally away the time and took a cab. he was later than i am. so, we met at 11am and had brunch at LJS, vivo.

seriously, i had no idea what overcome my emotions, i was throwing a little tantrum and was quiet from the time i met him till way after i had tanned. before i had my shower, its the question of, where to go next. bleargh! he got sleepy while waiting for me, so we went to get some rest.

after some good rest, it was dinner time. intial plan was to head some where for dinner but the rain caught up with us. so, we rode from harbourfront till jurong. i wasn't soaking wet but just shivering cold. reached his void deck and went for dinner near his place. a lil of lepaks at his place and my eyes keep closing.

and he drove me home at 11pm. gosh! that was a whole day of events!

back to work on saturday. and slept thru the day.

sundays are my slack-at-home day.

mad hatter.

2010-03-07T20:33:00.006+08:00

fallen, not with a bump but comfortably into his arm.

once upon a time i was Alice. you exists only in my Wonderland. but i had to leave for i had some unanswered questions that needs to be answered and things to be doing. but, i had not promise to return.
when my reality got too harsh, there i saw the white rabbit. i followed the white rabbit and fell into the hole where i was brought back to wonderland. i'm glad you were still there waiting for my return.

this time round, i didn't leave Wonderland alone.

like Alice, she met Mad Hatter in Wonderland, i met my Mad Hatter in Reality. unlike Alice, i won't wake up and be missing you. unlike Mad Hatter, you don't exists only in my dreams.

lurve ya!

great-ness.

2010-02-16T20:28:00.002+08:00

the super long weekend went by nicely for me.

13.02.2010, saturday, i was at wild wild wet, downtown east. superb fun-filling time spent with mama and aunty. i had my filled of gorgeous life guards. drools!
texted him, after a whole week. any longer, i swear i'll go crazy. it wasn't anything about me being ego. i just didn't wanna lose him for another time. digress. had asked him out but, he had to work till late.

14.02.2010, sunday, celebrated 1st uncle's birthday at zac cafe, jln pinang with aunt, mama and youngest uncle. they served middle eastern and western food. i had fish kebab but, sadly the food wasn't up to my expectation. it doesn't take a food critic to notice that the fish kebab was mediocre. my uncle's steak was delicious. probably the chef specialise in western cooking than middle eastern. after the lunch date, we headed to sengkang to pay my aunt a visit. they spent a long time chatting and me slacking on the couch watching tv. but when 1st uncle told his tale as a sailor. i had to snicker till i couldn't help and barf out laughing. at the same time injecting a little humour into the otherwise serious tale. we ended the night at 10.30pm. i was shagged.
surprisingly, he asked me out. that was a rare occurrence. but, something cropped up last minute.

15.02.2010, monday, movies at GV grand with HIM. initially the plan for the day was a picnic. i had to cook for him. but sadly, i'm covered with sunburn. he suggested a much cooling place. so, movies it was. i booked the tickets for 'percy jackson and the lightning thief'. while walking by the nike store at great world city, i saw syah. he urged for me to approach him. nah! i rather take the risk of going to unknown places with him than waste my time approaching the ex-boyfriend.
after movies, it had always been the routine of not knowing where to go next and the same pushing-the-responsibility-of-thinking-to-the-other-person habit we have. and there, the STB booklet gave us the idea.
i decided on Labrador park. we reached just in time for sunset but, we aren't a big fan of sunset. before he gets lazy to get the bike from the far away carpark, we had to make a move, meaning we had to think of another place. bleargh! we decided on ECP, thinking it won't be packed but i was wrong. we ended up at pasir ris park instead. it was pure comfort having his arms around me.
well, every start has to have an end. so, the night had to be over and sadness had to engulf my emotions. i hate goodbyes but the spine-breaking-eye-popping hug and a kiss made it easier. i had him for the whole day, pure sweetness.

16.02.2010, tuesday, it is a stay-at-home day. aunts had slept over and it was food and talks for them. while me, had difficulties tearing away the bolster from hugging me tightly. no movie marathon like i had planned but, it was food and sleep marathon.

well, it is back to work. not looking forward but i miss those lil' chubby cheeks already.

hide-and-seek.

2010-02-07T18:10:00.003+08:00

decrypting every word you said, sieving whats real and whats not, seeking eventhough you are there. it tires me out. i'm not leaving yet, just hiding in a dark corner. when you are ready to seek, open your heart and i'll be present again.

two-zero-one-zero.

2010-01-03T00:36:00.003+08:00

there wasn't any fireworks nor was there a countdown, there was just you and me accompanied by laughter, smiles and sparkles in the eye. that was how i started off my two-zero-one-zero.

two-zero-zero-nine, i started off the year more extravagantly, booze, loud music, foam party with a great guy, so i thought. but, things didn't work out. people come and go in my life, i told him. he said he won't be one of them, all of the others said so too. you're gone like the passing winds. you inflicted me with a superficial cut which heals easily.

for each time i was put on the crossroads, i had to make a choice. after much thought, i chose stability over feelings. i had loved him for a moment but, i had to walk out on him. it hurts him but not as much as it hurts me. being a playa, i doubt he ever know how it felt to be hurt. you had inflicted a deeper cut when you had your fun toying with my feelings. it took me sometime to heal from the wound that was rubbed with salt.

and all this while, i had missed someone. he isn't someone i was willing to let go easily. a sweet pleasure of knowing him. the guy i ended two-zero-zero-nine with.

as much as those people played a part in my life, so does my career. i was done with my cert in preschool teaching and now, shall move on to diploma in early childhood. the environment that i had adapted nicely into is treating me pretty well. staying away from politics is the best way of survival.

well, 2009 was filled with sweet memories and wasn't a bad year after all. shall create more sweet memories for 2010.

contradicting.

2009-12-09T00:13:00.002+08:00

dear god, i plead to you. please do not put me on the cross roads again. i missed him once and do not want to missed him again. i asked for one to love me but you gave me a choice. how generous of you, dear God. thank you but it is not helping when i have to weigh the pros and cons. contradicting, love is not about the pros and cons. you come to love not by finding the perfect person but by accepting the imperfections of that person.

i was taught through life experiences that love hurts. who is willing to change those teachings?

option.

2009-11-08T22:04:00.002+08:00

don't let someone be a priority in life when you are just an option in thiers.

you puzzled me. you confused me. but then again, i realised i was divulging in my own fantasy. a place which WE don't co-exists. i had been alone in the fantasy. we had our great times. but now, the time is over.

run along my dear, have your fun!

wish you all the best, kai.

ihateyou.

2009-11-01T23:21:00.002+08:00

ihateyou. ihateyou. ihateyou.

ihateyou for entering my life.
ihateyou for making me fall for you.
ihateyou when i had to choose.
ihateyou when you left and never came back.
ihateyou when iloveyou.
ihateyou for the games you are playing.
ihateyou so much that it hurts to love you any further.

dear God, please don't let me hate him until it hurts too much to love.

turmoil.

2009-10-26T22:15:00.004+08:00

there are two kind of worlds: one we dream about and the real one. how does one differentiate when both worlds seemed surreal? when one dreams, one hope for the dream to come true. when the real world is harsh, one falls back into dreams.

the future with you is what i dream. what i am having with you now, all seem surreal. you told me that i'm single but unavailable and you tell me you want me. you got me confuse.

but darling, i got you figured out. tell me what differs you from the others??! all they want is every part of me except for one, my heart. the same theory can be applied for you.

you put me through the roller coaster of feelings. you made me feel high for you and you can make me detest you the most. stop all the games you are playing. i'm tired. you have the right to be text-ing any girls you want, date whoever you love but stop putting me through this turmoil.

just what did i do to deserve the hot-cold treatment from you??

i'm so shagged, all i want to do is momentarily disappearing from the surface of the earth.

dear God, please give me the strength to pull through this ordeal. i need to get over him. he shall not have a hold of me. i need to get a move on with my life.

hoping.

2009-10-01T22:01:00.002+08:00

who am i kidding saying i'm busy with work and studies? who am i kidding saying i'm too busy to date? all i'm doing is kidding myself. it is a joke God is playing on me. laughing out loud, dear God. it is a funny joke! truth behold, i'm still hoping against hope. waiting. wishing upon the shooting stars. doing all what i don't believe in. all, but telling him how much i still want him back in my life. telling him just how much i'm still in love with him. every morning, hoping there would be a window seat, just so i could catch a glimpse of you at the bus stop. again, i'm hoping against hope. and wishing upon the shooting stars. just one thing which never had occurred to me, GIVE UP!! kill all the feelings of love and missing him. what he is worth for anyway? in which part of his anatomy would i even co-exists? NONE.

deleting all those jerks number off, stop meeting people and let work keep me sane. a joke on myself. this isn't me. this is NOT me.

just what was i thinking? not dating. not meeting new people. all i'm doing is waiting. and waiting for you.

you're a thing from the past, collecting dust in the attic. that is where you should be placed.

vague.

2009-09-28T09:34:00.003+08:00

unmotivated. stress.
all seem vague for a moment. something is amiss in this busy life i hate leading. too much is going on at a time. pushing all thoughts out of the cluttered mind, only one had remained stubbornly. tried as i might to shoo him away from the mind, he stays in the heart now. bleargh!

memories of past were vague, thought farid gave me the best four years of my youth. i was wrong. someone gave me the best month of my 22-going-23 years old of my life. though it was short lived, it was the best relationship i had. it was my mistake. been questioning the inner being, why does he have to remain at the place which was suppose to be left empty.

an overstayer. but, imissyou.

psst....

iloveyou.

solitary.

2009-08-24T22:39:00.002+08:00

loneliness is the best friend, cause whether you're with someone or not, it will always be there waiting for you, it is the one thing that can never be taken away from you, and the lesson is to face it, befriend it, and become a stronger person as a result, and then be supremely happy being alone, and then love will walk into your life when you're not searching for it.

it had been a quiet week. he seem to fade away by the day. though at times i still do miss him.

mama asked me, "adik, who are you dating now?" i was dumb at first. i told mama, "your daughter has a heart of stone. and time isn't with me to be dating."

after my unsuccessful 4.5 years relationship, dating and seeing guys had open a whole new world of jerks for me. only a handful of them i can proudly call them my friends. just in 2009, i fall for 2 wrong guys. well, they say, you meet a whole lot of wrong guys before you meet the right one. as for me, 2 wrong guys are good enough for me to learn a lesson from. i'm learning to be supremely happy being alone.

you came and went as you pleased,
leaving excuses on your way out,
you came only when you needed me.
you went when you were satisfied.
tell me, what differs you from the rest?

fade.

2009-08-23T05:59:00.003+08:00

it's over. he's gone.
why do we have to part while the love is still there?
why do we have to suffer?
why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye?
why do beginnings have an end?
why do we have to meet only to lose in the end?
there are questions left unanswered,
words left unsaid,
letters left unread,
poems left undone,
songs left unsung,
love left unexpressed,
promises left unfulfilled.

in a relationship,
one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye and letting go.
it is as hard as breaking a crystal because
you'll never know when youwill be able to pick up the pieces again.
more often than not, they who go,
feel not the pain of parting
it is they who stay behind that suffer,
because they are left with memories of a love
that was meant to be,
a love that was.

at the beginning and at the end of a relationship,
we are embarrassed to find ourselves alone.
unfair as it may seem, but that's the way love goes.
that's the drama, the bittersweetand the risk of falling in love.
after all, nothing is constant but change.
everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when,
without us knowing how, without us even knowing why.
and we must forget not because we have to
but because we need to.

in letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in batallion.
it seems that everywhere you go,
everything you do,
every song you hear,
every turn of your head,
every move of your body,
every beat of your heart,
every blink of your eye and
every breath you take always reminds you of him.
it's like a stab of a knife,
a torture in the night.
funny how the whole world becomes depopulated
when only one person is missing.
just imagine,
there are billion people on earth and yet it seems
you feel lonely and empty without the other.

i don't know if it's worth calling an art,
but letting go entails special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time.
time heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part.
acceptance plays a part.
not all love stories end with"...and they live happily ever after."
sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our control.
we have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others.
we have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains.
every beginning has its end
like every dawn has its dusk.
it's something we can't control,
something we had to live up.

it's over. he's gone.
but life has to go on.
goodbye doesn't always mean forever.
there will always be a place and time
where questions will be answered,
words will be spoken,
letters will be read,
poems will be recited in the night,
songs will be sung in harmony,
love will be expressed in solitude and
promises will be fulfilled.
somewhere. somehow. someday.

mercilessly.

2009-08-08T02:42:00.002+08:00

for every night i prayed for you, i fall asleep halfway through.
is this God's way of saying forget about you?

when imissyou, i would go to your profile. today, i stumbled upon the message, bbaby. i am jealous. and my heart dropped. i guess this is the second sign of 'forget about you'. as much as i would want to forget about you, it keeps on coming back to me.

deep down, i do miss you. your disappearing and appearing game are just what the others are doing. i question myself, why do i feel hurt with the games you play and not the others?

when something undesirable grows in my soul, i ask God to give me the same courage, mercilessly to pluck it out.

test.

2009-08-03T01:39:00.002+08:00

i hate how i am feeling towards you. everyday i crave for you. everyday i hope for your text messages. arrrrggghhhhhh!!! you're just not into me, don't you? letting go wasn't that easy.

dear God,
why do you have to put me through this test? i don't think i can manage the test you gave me. please give me a sign where this is leading to.

mistakes.

2009-07-30T22:55:00.001+08:00

even the most responsible among us has mistakes in their past, mistakes they'd like to forget, mistakes that sometimes come back to haunt them.

silence.

2009-07-22T22:49:00.004+08:00

not a single tear i've shed since i walked off from him. don't be sad for that cause i believed the person you love will never make you cry. no matter how painful it was, i believe you are not a jerk who will make me cry. the love that i have for you will only be for you.

friends didn't believe that i am not going out with anyone. i'm officially quitting the dating game. it is either you or no one else, that is the deal i made.

an excerpt from 'If you could see me now',

"her hopes were raised up the flagpole, waving and blowing in the breeze for all to see. there they would weather the storms and winds, only to be lowered, tattered and ruined.

just because they “appear” to emerge from the same point doesn't mean that they do. this is an illusion of perspective created by distance. everyone moves in different directions. that we all emerge from the same point is a misconception; to travel in different directions is the very nature of every being and every existing thing.

when you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. when a window shatters, a table breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall it makes noise. but as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. you would think its so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole wide world, or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

if there is a noise, it's internal. it screams and no one can hear it but you. it screams so loud your ears ring and your head aches. it thrashes around in your chest like a great white shark caught in the sea; it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. that's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions.

but that's the thing about love – no one is untouchable. it's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water, but when it actually breaks, its silent. you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it."

i'm upset but it doesn't matter. i shall observe.

silence is not golden, afterall.

imissyou, badly.

selfish.

2009-07-16T22:39:00.002+08:00

a "date" with him, had dinner and walked back to his place. a nice night i had. for each time we went out, i'll have the speration anxiety. i left with a heavy heart.

told him about a crazy arsehole i knew from tagged. he said, i should not be selfish and start to get to know people. right there i cut him, yes, i want to be selfish. being generous, ended me up with an heartache. no one else shall have a feel of my love.

in God i trust, have better plans for me. until one day when my heart do soften, i'll fall beautifully in love.

iloveyou.

reminisce.

2009-07-12T23:19:00.003+08:00

gosh! the moon is so beautiful tonight. reminisce to the date 11.05.2009 @ east coast park. it was a beautiful moonlight. i fall head over heels for him. that was the day i started to feel love for you, dear hubby. the day you told me all about yourself. we talked and talked the night away. hating to have to leave the place. after each date we had, you would hate me. you hate me cause you had fallen for me. and being away from me was painful.

i have no regrets blocking and deleting the jantan sundalz away from tagged, msn and facebook. i've disposed off my past and trying to be strong for my present and future. i've done my level best, and leaving the rest up to fate to decide.

i am delighted you texted me last night. i was literally jumping around my room. thanks God. but i was disappointed when you didn't text me about dinner.

imissyou, hubby.

love.

2009-07-11T17:25:00.000+08:00

un-flaw-less.

2009-07-11T15:38:00.003+08:00

emotional and stress management is my greatest downfall. lacking of those two skills have made me lose someone. having to go to work with hurtful remark from him the previous day and added pressure from work, it was like adding kerosene to the already burning anger in me. i was like a pressure cooker. the break up was a released of the pressure. but, all was too late when the pressure was subdued. i lost him to my own failure of managing my emotions. this is another lesson i have to learn.

this flaw was not something he had to understand and know when he was with me. cause i'm the type of girl that can be so hurt but can still look at you and smile. the type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own.

sorry hubby, i kept a lot from you especially the hurt i was going through while with you. my feelings was true but behind those sweet smiles was hidden hurt which i was not ready to share with you.

phew! now, it is all off my chest.

an action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure.

prayer.

2009-07-10T23:54:00.002+08:00

dear God,
hectic is the word i'd use to describe my life now. gosh! in all this busy-ness, never a single day i went to sleep without thinking and saying a small prayer for him, no matter how exhausting my day was. all i asked for was, if he really is meant to be or not, i need a sign. but a thing for sure, i'm not going to put myself at risk of getting hurt again. as though getting hurt twice in 2009 isn't enough.

please don't put me in a crossroad again. twice i chose the wrong way or was it once? is he a wrong path i had chosen? and if there is going to be a third one, i'm so sorry but to stay put until the path is a clear way.

i disposed of my past and something not to be repeated. learning from those ugly past is the best way for me to carry on living a new life, with or without him. but i'm still hoping a life with him. at times i questioned myself, why am i still wishing upon a star?

smile.

2009-07-06T01:05:00.002+08:00

thank you, dear God. at least, it ease the feeling of missing him a lil'. i'll sleep with a smile tonight. may my day be bright tomorrow as my night ended with him.

imissyou, still.

whacked.

2009-07-04T02:05:00.003+08:00

feeling like crap after reading our MSN message history. i'm such a sucker for sentimental stuffs. i was the princess, THE sunshine, a person he would want to colour his life and all those sweet nothings. i miss him badly. every night before i doze off, i would say a lil' prayer for him. my night ended with thoughts of you. you were also the first i thought of in the morning. i'm whacked out if these continues.

reading those message logs just brought back memories. till now, i still look out of my workplace window and wished you would be there waiting for me at the carpark. i am still praying hard for your return and believed in second chance.

i had wanted to leave things to fate but it seems fate is busy. i shall wait for the day you would forgive me. cupid is surely no where to be found. i ain't falling for anyone.

imissyou, badly.

escapade.

2009-06-29T13:39:00.002+08:00

the first thing i did when i woke in the morning was to say a lil prayer for him. i prayed that God would take away a little of his ego. and i was puzzled by myself. why was he the first person i thought of in the early morning?

i told mum today that i need to find an escapade from my past. this house i'm staying in had too many memories. some of which i want to run away from. i urged mum to move out. by God's will, i'll look for a place soon. probably in Sengkang, Punggol or still stay in Tampines.

he just had to remind me of the ugliness of my past. argh!!!

i've had enough stress. and there's more to come. bleargh!!

mum reminded me the goodness of a guy. they are good for heartaches. "zaman mungkin sudah berubah tetapi perangai dan keegoaan lelaki tak akan berubah" (translation: times might have changed but a man's attitude and ego will never.) i remembered clearly, you told me not to be selfish. because i had been through a bad experience, i should still give others a chance to feel loved by me. you made me feel unappreciated. need i mention name, Qai?

wishing.

2009-06-28T23:28:00.004+08:00

dear God,
each night i had to exhaust myself out just not to think of him and get some rest. i'm fatigue. if this is the test i had to go through to atone for my past mistakes, i'll take each day with a pinch of salt but why do you have to make our paths crossed when it is not meant to be. just how much more wrong guys before i meet the right one?? isn't what i had gone through last year good enough for a lesson learnt.

you had ignited my feelings for him and now, i had to let him go. they say, if you love something, let them go. if it returns, it's meant to be but if it doesn't, it never was.

i've had enough living a frivolous life. i given up such lifestyle. i'm looking for an escapade from my past.

dear God,
a simple prayer for him,
please take away just a lil of his ego. am i asking too much?

i miss him, badly but if it is otherwise, that is for you to show me.

each day, i'm hoping against hope. wishing upon the wishing stars. to hold you in my arms again.

over.

2009-06-24T00:21:00.000+08:00

it's over.

iloveyou.

judged.

2009-06-21T00:39:00.002+08:00

i was lost for words. the night before you told me, i was SLUTTY when i'm single. never before i judged you after all those stories you told me about yourself. i hate being judgemental. it was a shock to me when my own boyfriend judged me till that extent. and the second hit was when you gave me a long message,
"i think it is time for you to know what i kept in myself. i told you this before and let me tell you again. there is something about you and your past that i should not know and you should not let me know cause i don't want to know and i don't need to know.why i want to do this cause it will affect our relationship and also the way i will think about you.

secondly, i ever scold you before about telling me your sex life with other guys cause i don't wanna know and i'm not the type of guy who is a sex maniac to know all this. it seems you don't learn and this has already affect me deeply. because of all your stories, i'm DISGUSTED and i don't know got to face you when ever i see you. that is why i rarely kiss you cause you keep telling me how many guys you had gave them a bj. this is why i don't wanna know all this.

lastly, let me teach you how to act towards your partner cause it seems you don't know how to. as a girlfriend you should impress me with your positive side and show your good side even if it is an act. honesty have their limits and you don't need to be 100 percent cause i don't need you to be. you see what happened when you don't listen to me when i told you not to let me know what i should not know."

dear Abdul Qayum,
i remember telling you, i hate the life i had lead previously. it isn't a life that i will want to relive. everyone comes with a past, a burden and a mistake that will remain with them to be learnt from. and to share a future with you, my past is something you should know. you weren't able to accept my past and you had to judge me. i hate to be judge especially when you hardly know who i am. the mistakes i made is something i had to live with everyday. having people from that past calling me for a booty call, it hurts. if i can be reborn, i still want to remember the mistakes i made.

i'm not an actress. i am who you see me. i'm real. i can't act just to show you my positive side. why do you think you're made with a right and a left side? cause there's the good and bad side of a person. i'm sorry, i can't act to be miss goody-two-shoe.

i had to ask for the break up cause iloveyou to hurt you any further. the damage done is bad enough. you're already disgusted to be with me. i'm disappointed but i guess that is what all the person you love do. they say, the person you love will always disappoint you.

when i'm considering to patch things up with you, i get angry with myself. you hated me that much and can't accept me for my past as details were uncovered. i'm sorry i had a past. i'm sorry for telling you about my past.

i had never regretted knowing you. it was a wonderful time. i'm sorry, i'm not the good quality crayons to be coloring your life.

yours truly,
shida.

imissyou.

happy-ness.

2009-06-13T23:32:00.002+08:00

i thought it was going to be another day at home on a weekend. after all, i was at home for the past two days on m.c for flu and fever. then, came his call saying we will be going to jurong bird park with sister and boyfriend. delighted!

silly me, i didn't put in the battery for the camera after charging. or there would be tons of pictures. but still i had a blasting time with hubby. every outing and time spent with him, are moments i savour. when the night has to end, i just don't want to let go of him. he had to cajole me and it makes me feel better, like a child having separation anxiety. strangely, in all my past relationship i have never felt like this before, not wanting to end the night.

digress.

work was fine, till someone chose to cause a big stir-up for change of working hours. i was on 8.30 - 6.00pm which i love the timing. but now, was pushed back to the old working hours, 9 - 6.30pm. bah!! well, i'm not someone who will complain but just whine. at least, when hubby fetches me from work, he can rest for a while at home first. that is the bright side i can look at.

iloveyou.

surprise.

2009-06-07T21:55:00.005+08:00

06.06.2009, a date i would remember. on this day, he gave me a left-me-speechless surprise.

met him at 8.30am @ tampines interchange, wearing the dress he bought me for our 1st month. i was still clueless as to where we were going. board the train and still not giving me a single clue. finally, when the train reached outram, we alighted. and so, we're going sentosa, was my guess.

we had breakfast at MacD harbourfront. there's where he gave my b'day present, a blue bikini. ilove the bikini. so, my instincts was right. we're heading to the beach. yipee! and i gave him his present for our 1st month, a purple zippo.

when i wanted to make a move, he kept saying he don't feel like getting up yet. so we camwhored for a while. was looking at the pictures we took, there came his younger sister with a birthday cake and singing a birthday song with the others. i was lost for words. i wasn't expecting his sister and friends to be around. but i was glad they came. the more the merrier. blew out the candles and we went outside of harbourfront to have the cake. after which, we headed to sentosa. had a whole lot of fun.

i didn't want the night to end. i want him longer. i was whining when the train was approaching tampines. and a sad face was etched all the way back home.

but, i had the most wonderful time.

was looking at our picture before i went to sleep.

iloveyou.

twenty-three

2009-06-03T22:54:00.002+08:00

a year older than yesterday. and was counting down with hubby. i felt no different than yesterday, terms of the age. on this day, i feel love all around me.
at work, my collegues surprised me with a birthday cake. and the children sang me a birthday song, i'm touched by their gesture. thanks!
after work, went dinner at Newton with hubby, adik and her boyfriend. the simplest of things in my life are most celebrated.

i love you, hubby.

was waiting for someone's message all day. and stumbled upon his b'day wish on my tagged instead. Ikel remembered and called me at 12 midnite. i'm delighted. wasn't expecting his call at all. i guess time do heal wounds. thank you, guys!

there is this urge for me to do a retrospect but looking at what i have now, i'm lovin' every moment. lesson of my past aren't worth looking at now that i've got him.

expectation.

2009-05-30T22:25:00.001+08:00

relationships thought me a lesson. a valuable lesson. never have an expectation of our partner. when expectations are not met, disappointment will be greatly felt. ever since my first serious relationship with farid. every expectation i had of him, will end up as a disappointment. and goes the same for the relationship i had after him.

being a working person, i understand the demands of time. wishing we had more than 24 hours a day to be divided between family, work and other commitments. and me being an emotionally high maintenance person, demands attention. seeing the boyfriend only when he fetches me from work is pretty unbearable. that is an expectation i have of this relationship and all the others, a mistake.

therefore, i don't make plans on weekends. if he asks me out, i will be glad. and when it's another weekend without him, i'll keep myself busy. i need girlfriends!

i miss him, badly.

reality.

2009-05-20T23:50:00.010+08:00

dear God,

after he made me fall into a bottomless pit, i didn't believe i could get out of it again. someone told me, the people you love will always disappoint you. i choose not to believe in those words after you made our paths crossed. but, i got it wrong. he wasn't love, therefore i wasn't disappointed. i felt cheated of my feelings. it was over after all.

again, you made me stand at the crossroad. wondering. waiting for someone to lead me. this time, it was a game of tug of war. they pulled my heartstrings.

after the movie date with him, i saw his sincerity. i'm still wondering was it tears that was in his eyes on that night he send me home. he is the sweetest guy i ever meet. and thankfully, it wasn't the flattering sweet person. he is the sincerely sweet person. he is my personal spiderman.

and the other, he was less confident. to him, i was like the rare gem that all had eyes on and he has nothing to win me over.

but, he won me over. it was a beautiful moonlight on a monday night after dinner @ east coast park, i fall for him. he treats me just like how he would treat a rare gem. i am his precious lil' thing.

darling, you're my reality. never have i dream of you. if i were to dream of you, i'm afraid i might dream of someone better. and there is no one better than my reality.

p.s i love you!

well, coming from an observer, "he does love you better than that fella." ops! there wasn't any love. and that fella doesn't deserve to be compared to someone who knows how to love.

digressing.

on a better note, thank god, i did well at my new workplace and will be given a letter of confirmation after 2 months probation. it will be like a great birthday present.

and, surely i'm looking forward to a great birthday surprise from my darling!

shabbily.

2009-05-02T22:44:00.006+08:00

i'm upset. i deserved a lil' respect from you. i knew i was gonna be late for your performance but the least you could do was to tell me you were going off. i rushed down to simei, just so to meet you. i was totally pissed when you told me that your on the way home. i was so pissed to the brink of tears. i was literally beaming when you told me to be there for your performance.

i really missed you. i was swoon by you at first sight. and even more when you sang 'tanpamu' by 6th sense.

but, i guess it is a one way street.

heart.

2009-04-20T23:10:00.003+08:00

.....said the heart,

even though i complain sometimes, its because i'm the heart of a person and people's heart are that way. people are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them or that they'll be unable to achieve them.

we, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever or moments that could have been good but weren't or of treasures that might have been found but were forever hidden in the sands. because when these things happen we suffer terribly.

phlegmatic.

2009-04-19T02:18:00.004+08:00

i hate what i felt when i was with you. i seek temporary solace in others when you're clearly in front of me. all seem awkward. as much as i would love to be the chatty me, i had to hold back. the atmosphere was so different. it was a happy song, you said. but, at that moment, i felt like happiness had left. i didn't enjoy the song as much. i got myself confuse for a while.

when i was listening a sad song by James Ingram- just once, i didn't feel sad. i even felt that the night had a beautiful ending. the person i was with is a great company.

probably, there is still that little bit of hope i'm having deep inside me. i had to tell you 'goodbye' and not 'see you around'. i made a mess of my own thoughts.

the conclusion, i'm crazy to still have any feelings for you.

redundant.

2009-04-12T23:52:00.002+08:00

there was this feeling that was ignited when i read the messages i sent to you via msn and hp. i am missing you. need i mention name? the whole lot of topics that we talked about, somethings which i had shared with you but, what a pity, those info are just redundant to you. i was the rule of your game, never the exception.

you didn't want the friendship to go to waste but, ever since, i never hear from you again. you might have hurt me when you told me about the story of a girl, it was a blunder on your part. and a cover up for me, about the story of those guys.

well, i don't see the point of this post. like someone would tell me, "you think he bothers reading your blog?"

loneliness.

2009-04-05T21:38:00.002+08:00

dear God, this empty gaping hole in my heart is still waiting for someone to fill them up. i'm tired of this dating game. of the several guys i dated, i still feel the loneliness and emptiness inside me. i want someone who listens to me like a girlfriend would. and at the same time, someone who loves me with all the love he have.

what you gave me was two total jerks. one didn't feel secured being with me. and the other "didn't want to hurt me" cause he can't love me but kissed another in less than a month. what ever happen to real man who sheds tears and meant it. grieving for the loss your ex-girlfriend while dating an innocent by-stander, how is that being sad and grieving?

dear God, what have you made them to be?

you had given me too many wrong guys, is the right one on his way or you haven't decide who is eligible to reside in my lonely heart.

work is still the best escapade for the lonely hearts

dirt.

2009-03-27T23:55:00.003+08:00

tomorrow he will be her legal husband. today, he calls me for a blowjob. and need i spell out his name, farid? absurd! when being rejected, there he goes, throwing insults at me. i've seen enough of your pattern. i'm not backing down. you pose no threat to me. your non-existence won't make any impact on my life. pity your wife for having a liberal husband, someone who has no qualms about stuffing his dick into some hole except for hers, for his own satisfaction. dear, you are just dirt off my shoulder.

now, i really can heaved a sigh of relieve. my past, that is you, shall not hunt me anymore.

once again, congratulations and all the best, faezah!

weeps

2009-03-18T15:27:00.006+08:00

Two tear drops were floating down the river.

one teardrop said 2 the other, "i'm the teardrop of a girl who loved a man and lost him. who are you?"

"i'm the teardrop of the man who regret letting a girl go."

she-teardrop consoled, "there would come a time when we have to stop loving someone because we found out that they'd be happier if we let them go."

he-teardrop replied, "but then you know that you miss someone very much when every time you think of that person, your heart breaks into pieces and just a quick 'Hello' from that person brings the broken pieces back."

she-teardrop said, "it's really painful to say goodbye to someone else that you want to let go; but it's even more painful to ask someone to stay if you can never make the relationship work out the way it should be." she continued, "LOVE? it's kind of complicated, but i tell you this, the second you're willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that's love right there..."

he-teardrop pondered and said, "you know, if i had the letters "HRT", i can add "EA" to get a "HEART" or a "U" n get "HURT". but i rather choose "U" and get "HURT" than have a "HEART" without "U"

she-teardrop smiled and replied, "giving someone all your love is not an assurance that she will love you back. don't expect love in return, wait for it to grow in her heart, if it doesn't, be contented it grows in yours."

he-teardrop continued, "she told me once, don't be too good, i will miss you. don't be too caring; i might like you. don't be too sweet; i might fall for you."

she-teardrop smiled and said, "a heart truly in love never loses hope but always believes." she-teardrop continued, "if you love her please let her know cause it hurts to love when you have to go. take care of me; don't go away because if u love me, u will stay... i love you and do you know why? you got me when you first said 'Hi'"

he-teardrop said, "you are brave she-teardrop, now i know it's always better to have found the courage to love even if you lose it in the end rather than never found love because you were too afraid of the challenge." he-teardrop continued further, "did you know that the expression "Nothing" is the subconscious mind's way of saying i love you. that's what i do, i told her NOTHING and cause of that i lost her even though i love her, i cry for the time that she was almost mine, i cry for the memories i've left behind, i cry for the pain, the lost, the old and the new. i cry for the times i thought i had her!"

she-teardrop consoled, "Relationships are like glass, sometimes it better to leave them broken than try to hurt urself putting it back together, or worse, have nothing strong to bind it together, you never lose in loving, you only lose in holding back."

he-teardrop cried,"Now i know, i have learned. don't throw your back to love when it's already in front of you, don't drive it away from you because if you did, someday you'll think again why you let love fly away when it was once next to you."

anal-ysis.

2009-03-11T00:45:00.002+08:00

you desire a love that will last forever. you are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. you don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. if a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. your love has to be perfect. be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

this is accurate. exactly what i would do before falling for someone. darn, you lucky asshole.
but what a pity, i could be missing out on some worthy relationships because my standards are so HIGH.

well, honey, if you don't meet my standards, you're out of my league.

NEXT!

imaginary.

2009-02-26T00:53:00.005+08:00

dear friend,

i'm just a figment of your imagination. you came into the wonderland of escapism. i was there when you needed someone to talk to. i happened to appear when you were sad. we had fun, we had joy and we had seasons in the sun. i knew from the start you aren't someone i should fall in love with. you were an illusion of perspective created by distance. we moved in different direction, eventually.

seeing now that you're alright, dear friend, i shall go just like how i came.

sincerely,
your imaginary friend.

retracted.

2009-02-23T13:17:00.003+08:00

bad news from last week will be retracted today. looks like things will go your way afterall! -horoscope.

p.s i love you

decipher.

2009-02-22T09:47:00.002+08:00

look on the bright side. even if you didn't get exactly what you wanted, you still got alot. -horro-scope.

and what is this suppose to mean?

p.s i still do love you.

killing.

2009-02-21T02:50:00.002+08:00

i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing, dear.

killing me softly with his actions.

p.s i love you

hunch.

2009-02-20T05:07:00.003+08:00

things are not as they seem. you'll find out today why you had a hunch something is off. - gemini horro-scope.

you thought you had given someone their last chance, but here they are, begging for more. - pisces horro-scope.

tell me about it.

excessive.

2009-02-20T04:33:00.005+08:00

time check : 0433hrs

excessively thinking of him.

p.s i love you.

someone.

2009-02-18T22:10:00.005+08:00

the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else.

hindsight.

2009-02-14T00:41:00.004+08:00

the bottom line
you get farther with someone if you tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

in detail
if you are working on building a better love relationship, you have to commit yourself to being honest. it's not like you tell untruths on a regular basis, but from time to time you have told little white lies, thinking you are protecting someone. but that's not your call. and from now on, you will get a lot farther with someone if you tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. when you make choices out of fear, you usually make the wrong choices. share your feelings in an unedited way.

well, this is the valentine's day present from my horoscope. i HAD always been truthful. unedited story and feelings. on hindsight, wouldn't it better if i had lied to him instead? keeping my feelings and be oblivious to hints, at least we don't even have to start anything. we would be just like how we had been before 13.12.2008. not having any regrets but at least it would have saved us from any awkwardness.

well, they say, love make you do silly things.

brief.

2009-02-13T23:50:00.002+08:00

i was bestowed upon me two guardian angels. both had their heart broken. unfortunately, i fallen for the one who is still badly wounded. i felt loved for a brief moment. a moment i treasure every minute of. am grateful for reigniting the feeling of love in me.

when he left, i thought he would close the door behind him. i shall not close the doors yet. cause i'm waiting for him to return, either to close the door or place the last piece of puzzle where it should be. i'm refusing to let go and move on. if i have to, i do not want to move on, alone.

fate is still fixing his puzzle.

emptiness.

2009-02-07T01:52:00.003+08:00

dear God,
for the second time fate messed up the puzzle pieces. he fits nicely in the puzzle but fate doesn't think so. fate took apart the puzzle and left a gaping hole there. and there isn't anymore pieces left. he had left with that last piece.

fate, it is time you resign from fixing my puzzle. cause you won't be able to find a piece to fit into the gaping hole.

and, i shall frame up the drawing that i drew when i was in reality. that was the last beautiful drawing i did and that was also the last page i had.

puzzle.

2009-02-06T11:51:00.004+08:00

dear God,
i thank you for letting me feel a tinge of loving someone. but i guess you had forgotten to make him feel the same way too. memories of the past are still lingering like an overstayer.

fate is playing a funny game but i don't find it funny anymore. fate should be busy right now, putting puzzle pieces together before going around and messing up people's partner. fate had made me shed tears more than i had shed for you, dear God. i had my plans but fate had to ruin it all. you made us with the feeling to love. but i guess those feelings are for those who deserves and know how to appreciate.

karma had worked enough on me. you made me fall for someone worthless before i met farid. but i wasn't ready to give him up. eventually, fate made me see the whole picture but a few missing puzzle pieces. i liked what i saw. i loved him. we had great times together. but, fate had to take four and a half years to find the missing puzzle pieces. when fate put it all together, he found that it wasn't me who is suppose to be in the picture. well, all's forgotten and forgiven.

fate realised that he haven't done my puzzle just yet. so, here i am waiting for more than a year while fate fixes someones puzzle. fate notices that i am a part of this person's puzzle. fate continued to fixed his and my puzzle simultaneously. fate stopped a moment. something is wrong with his puzzle. the girl in his puzzle isn't suppose to be there. she was suppose to be with someone else. so, fate took the puzzle pieces apart, leaving a gaping hole there.

fate is still fixing the puzzle. but will my puzzle pieces fit the gaping hole or is it still her puzzle pieces will fit nicely in there?

sketches.

2009-02-05T23:45:00.002+08:00

when we first met, i was still sketching a picture of someone else. he was just a fantasy. he lives in my wonderland. eventually, there was this strong urge to get back to reality. took a stroll back to reality cause i hate leaving my wonderland where i know i won't get hurt.

there in reality, i saw him. he was sketching too, it was unclear to me what was on his easel. i sat next to him, sketching the same scenery. but, i was self-indulgent, i started to draw a picture more beautiful than what's in front of me. him, was still a sketch.

here i am, staring at the beautiful picture i've drawn.

should i wait for him to finish his sketching or should i tear away my drawing and do another sketch and reminding myself to draw reality?

delusion.

2009-01-27T00:07:00.002+08:00

her boyfriend know nuts about her. i told her to leave him cause he isn't into her. he do not even bother to take initiative and put in any effort in knowing her. one fine day, he will leave her and before he does that, i told her to leave him.
she asked me, "then why are you not leaving him?"

it is tiring being with someone but at every moment when the feeling of missing him arises, it has to be diverted to something else. for a moment, delusion was needed.

she is ready to COMMIT as soon as she meet the RIGHT person. she is very SERIOUS about relationships and AREN'T interested in wasting time with people she DON'T really LIKE. if she meet the right person, she will fall DEEPLY and BEAUTIFULLY in love.

even if he is the RIGHT person, are you to him?

again, i had to supress my feelings until i'm conviced. i'm holding back what i've got for you. i'm sorry, i just had to. jumping off the cliff and into a bottomless pit again, i have doubts about surviving the second fall.

clueless.

2009-01-21T13:06:00.004+08:00

people come into your life for a REASON, a SEASON or a LIFETIME. when you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

when someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. they have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. they may seem like a godsend and they are. they are there for the reason you need them to be.
then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. sometimes they die. sometimes they walk away. sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
what we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled,their work is done. the prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. they bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. they may teach you something you have never done. they usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. believe it, it is real. but only for a season .

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. it is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

thank you people for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

dear God, i thank you for letting our paths meet at the crossroads. where we would be heading, i'm still unsure, whether in the same direction or opposite. clueless, i am to his stand.
and i pray hard, dear God, he isn't in my life for a season or a reason. as scared as i felt to fall in love with someone, i eventually did.

but, was it a mistake to tell him how i felt for him?

mask.

2009-01-15T21:25:00.003+08:00

you are the extreme opposite to an action woman: you are sweet, you love pink and glitter. everyone who sees you sees a totally and perfect styled little girl - daddy's little girl maybe. boys are drawn to you automatically. but they have no respect. they play with you. it's hard for you to find a boy who is willing to risk a serious relationship. you have a lot of friends, but most of them are girls just like you. you also have a lot of shallow contact. maybe you are very dependent on your parents. you are always so squeaky and happy and lovely when others are near - but that's only a mask. a mask that covers all your sadness, desperation and self-doubt. one day you will make someone very happy, but untill then you have to learn to love yourself and be the person you are supposed to be.

took a 'what type of girl are you?' survey on facebook. 80% of what it said about me is true. defnitely i'm not a daddy's girl. having lots of friends, yes i do. but most are boys and girls are not like me. my girlfriends have a personality of their own, which i adore.

it's hard for you to find a boy who is willing to risk a serious relationship. now, i wonder. how much do i really mean to that someone?
one day you will make someone happy. but is that someone going to make me happy too?

unrequited.

2009-01-10T12:27:00.006+08:00

it's almost a month i'm with him. i would say, we are still in the honeymoon period. during these period, i had told him 'i love you' but he have not recipocrate those feelings. as much as i want to tell him again, i have to hold back. i have yet to establish if this is a walk in the park or a plunge into a bottomless pit.

patience is virtue. since time is what you need, you shall have time then.

retrospect.

2009-01-01T22:52:00.002+08:00

2008, a year full of dating games. too many men so little time. encountered a few good man and a whole of jerks along the way, treating me like an alive sex-blowup-doll. these are guys who just forget to respect ladies. admitting, i was a H-U-G-E flirt too.

2008, declared my feelings to three different guys, mr A, mr L and my now boyfriend. with mr A, it was great disappointment cause he was into me just for farking. mr L, wasn't over the ex-girlfriend but we had mutual feelings. time wasn't what i had for him. eventually, i fall for someone who i thought would be a great friend for gossiping, beach-ing and shopping.

on a fateful day, 13 Dec, we declared our feelings for each other. though it needed some alcohol, we eventually did. we both like each other. well, i had opened up my heart to someone, finally.

as for farid, he had disappeared. he should have done so earlier on. i can now heaved a sigh of relief.

2008, career wise, not too good. i was searching for an environment similar to what i had at my first childcare. it is so hard to find a great employer. i am resilient to changes but at times the working environment is unsuitable.

overall, 2008, was a year i learnt a painful lesson and met someone new.

ditch 2008. welcome 2009. though it is the new year, lessons from last is still fresh.

abandonment.

2008-12-23T01:31:00.002+08:00

confessions.

2008-12-17T23:03:00.006+08:00

"ever fallen in love with someone, you shouldn't have fallen in love with?"

on one fateful day, 13 december 2008, we both had the "confession drink" which was vodka cranberry. i told him, yes, I DO LIKE YOU! eventually, we got together. after all, i've suppress my feelings for him for quite sometime cause he was someone i shouldn't fallen in love with.

i was over the moon and bouncing off the stars when he mentioned, "i'm all yours", so am i.

yes, finally, i took the plunge and open my heart to someone.

cowardice.

2008-12-13T01:55:00.003+08:00

you've got a lot on your mind right now, dear Gemini, and others might be interpreting your quiet behavior as aloofness. go right ahead, and let them think so. you've got some real issues to think through and decisions with important consequences. you will be able to smooth their ruffled feathers later. right now, focus on taking care of yourself.

that was what my horoscope said. i was feeling lousy today. i ain't have the slightest idea for what i'm feeling. probably, i need to keep this feeling of mine, in check before it goes haywire. i feel like disappearing from the surface of the earth, just for a day.

"real issues to think through and decision with important consequences" i'm not going to make any decision that has an inportant consequences. because i'm a coward. i do not want to face any consequences. whatever is in my mind, shall remain where it is.

hanging.

2008-12-06T02:13:00.004+08:00

for every action, there is an equal or opposite reaction. Newton's Law.

well, i put in the effort to dropped him a 'hi' but looks like there is no reaction from him. i shall just move on. whenever you're ready to establish the friendship again, i promise, i will not be judgemental. i'll accept you with open arms.

in the meantime, i'm confuse. where, oh, where is my liking for mr L is leading to? is he really INTO me? i'm left hanging and clueless.

please fill me in when you have enough courage to talk about this. i guess you're taking baby steps till you're fully grown. no hurry, dear. but, don't take too long. i might just fall for someone else.

blurted.

2008-11-30T05:32:00.005+08:00

gemini, you'll be super close to revealing something today, but you'll stop yourself at the last minute. you need to keep something to yourself now.

that was what my horoscope told me. and i almost blurted out something to him. whatever my thoughts, it shall remain as my thoughts. somethings are best kept to oneself.

in the meantime, i was advised not to let someone disappear into thin air if i appreciate their friendship. therefore, i made a move. if i could have enough courage to do it for mr A, i should have that much courage for the 'drifted' friend. so i did.

*crossing my fingers*

don't hate me for what i did.

heal.

2008-11-29T03:03:00.003+08:00

the bottom line
being practical may not feel sexy, but it's definitely the intelligent way to go.
in detail
right now it's your emotional nature that is going to be your driving force in life, but that needs to start changing. you need to think more with your brain and less with your heart. it isn't steering you wrong, but it could be sending you in circles. think things through and get some alone time if you feel that you need it. being practical might not feel very sexy, but it's definitely the intelligent way to go! temptations soon disappear when you look at them with a critical eye.

at first, i did not get what my horoscope was trying to tell me. not that i believe entirely. take it more as a word of caution rather than a fortune-telling thing.

i should start thinking with my brains. to use my heart, it will just suck me into the vertigo, sending me in circles when the answer is in front of me. but, i still have not seen an obvious answer to my questions. i guess, i shall let the questions be unanswered and be oblivious to my surroundings. if there is going to be a twist of fate, then thank God.

dear God,
i'm thankful for the guardian angels you had send. please, it hurts to fall and harder to try to get up again without feeling the bruises later. do give the strength to these angels to heal their broken heart.

rekindled.

2008-11-28T18:20:00.003+08:00

when boredom starts eating you slowly, you venture into unexpected places. likewise for me. i fumbled and stumbled upon mr A's open to public profile. gosh! i was shrieking like a small girl. ok, that was very immature of me. contemplating BIG time whether to drop him a message. well, i did. like someone said, i shall wait for his reply next month or next week or never. i remember someone telling me, don't hope.

*crossing my fingers*

no, i'm not hoping for a reply.

ok! i'm not a good liar.

gosh! what did i just do?

solace.

2008-11-25T01:11:00.005+08:00

ever since i receive the call from him, i had been lost in twilight zone. lost in my own thoughts. where those thoughts were leading me too, i ain't no idea. i wasn't myself anymore. i had been an easy-going person, with a strong belief, 'anything that doesn't kill you, will just make you stronger'.

this is a wake-up call for me. maybe a sign from Him. he pushed me to the edge, reminding me that He is there when i search for Him. maybe this is a calling for me to seek solace in Him.

...or is it his PUNISHMENT for the illicit affair?

regrets.

2008-11-22T02:45:00.004+08:00

dear GOD,
deep down, i know i haven't been a good person. i'm not blaming anyone for my bad attitude. i've lost great friends. i get confuse. the truth hurts, as cliche as it may sound, it is true. not wanting to hurt anyone's feeling i kept the truth. when it hurts, i am in the wrong. blamed for keeping the truth. i am seen as a bitch. someone hateful. i dissed these people, not bothering how they feel, so long as i get my way. i do not go down without a fight.
once friends, now turn to enemies because of my own egocentric attitude.

i hate to keep harping about how you made me and the ex-boyfriend meet. you gave us sweet memories and a bitter ending. me being me, again, egocentric, just had to put him down. so the excuse to my 'farewell' entry. tit-for-tat is a never ending vengeful process. why do i feel victorious after what i did? should i not feel ashamed of my own attitude?

dear God, please forgive me for my bad attitude. i don't want to lose more great friends. please show me the right way out of my misery.

to the people whom i've hurt, my sincerest apologies. please do forgive me. how can i make things better? please tell me.

painful.

2008-11-13T16:46:00.002+08:00

i ain't no idea what made me want to read my old blog. i chance upon this, it is a lil something i composed for farid after our break-up. painful memories which i do not want to re-live.

Love is Pain
You promised you'll never hurt me
Never make me cry
Crossed your heart and hoped to die
You told me that you love me
You made a promise you can't keep

To know someone I gave my heart to
Just tore my heart apart

Why did this love had to start?
Why does love had to be so much pain?

When I was dreaming with a broken heart
Waking up was the hardest

That lonesome feelings took me by surprise
I guess you meant more to me than I realised
My thoughts of you do not have an ending
Memories of you are everywhere
I wish I could be everything you wanted all the time
Tried to be perfect 'cause I know you are worth it

I gave my heart and soul but it was not enough for you
And now I know who you are
It was not that hard to figure you out

It is just one of those things I have to get over

Yours Truly.

unanswered.

2008-11-11T00:11:00.006+08:00

should i give up or should i keep chasing pavements? even if it leads nowhere, or would it be a waste? even if i knew my place should i leave it there?

again, these questions will be left unanswered.

is it just a phase? or am i just being the attention seeker and not getting any from him? or he just think all this is wrong and won't work out so, there is no need to pursue further?

suddenly, i'm tongue-tied. i can't seem to be asking questions to anyone, anymore.

i guess it is still in sketches. i shall wait a while longer for the sketches to turn into a picture.

disappointment.

2008-11-08T02:43:00.002+08:00

"the person you LOVE will always DISAPPOINT you."

when i was a younger lover, having trusting issues, he, the ex-boyfriend pulled me out of the whirlpool that was drowning me. he made me believe that there were still ENDANGERED male species with raging testosterones, that i can trust. and that would be him. but, at the back of my head, i knew, one day he too will leave me for someone better just like how the ol' man left my mum for THE money- grubber hussy.

now, being me, the sweet, loving klutz, is scared that one day, i might never love again. ever. i'm still locked up in my own padded cell, afraid of the outside world. take me away from my comfort zone but, do me a favour, do not let me fall in love.

cause i still strongly believe, love is a DISAPPOINTMENT.

*disclaimer: this is a random post. not meant for anyone in particular.

surprise!

2008-11-01T13:23:00.003+08:00

yesterday, mr lazy gave me a HUGE surprise. thanks a lot, dear. now, that is what i call HUGE. he waited me outside my workplace.
when i was releasing the children, i had this urge to look on my left. there i saw him standing, waiting.
SWEET-NESS. but, i had to hide the huge smile. and i'm still smiling, now.

ya, parents were fetching their children and you wanted to fetch the teacher.
you're very very sweet!

resentment.

2008-10-30T00:20:00.004+08:00

the bottom line
it looks like one of your more shallow friendships is moving to a much deeper level.

in detail
it looks like one of your more shallow friendships is moving to a much deeper level -- this is wonderful, but some of your older friends might be getting a little bit jealous that this newer person is taking up so much of your free time. this is a tough time for juggling people, and it could be stirring up some resentment. try to integrate this new person into group activities so that everyone can spend more time with you -- and get to see how wonderful this person is.

hilarious! some resentment, indeed. mr lazy said, a BIG NO to "integrate this new person into group activities so that everyone can spend more time with you -- and get to see how wonderful this person is." haha! all it will cause is more HAVOC.

since you chose to withdraw while i said not to disappear from my life and i need a great friend like you, what is left to say?

'my WAY or the HIGHWAY'

magnanimous.

2008-10-29T00:18:00.003+08:00

what a pity! he isn't someone magnanimous. he isn't happy that i've found happiness and it is not with him. he wants to withdraw himself, i'll respect your decision. when i told him about the guy who can't read the hints, i expected him to be smarter. but, oh too bad!

i suppress my feelings for others for fear of hurting him. i won't deny that i ever had feelings for him. i ever considered getting romantically involved with him but when he couldn't get accept the fact that the ex-girlfriend actually moved on, i wondered, am i just a stopover for him? or will i be his rebound?

love transforms and love cures but, sometimes, love builds deadly traps and can end up destroying a person who had resolved to give him or herself completely.
what is this complex feeling which, deep down, is the only reason we continue to live, struggle and improve?

this feeling is present in the small things, and manifests itself in the most insignificant of our actions. it is necessary, therefore to keep love in mind, regardless of whether or not we take action.

friends?

2008-10-27T18:29:00.003+08:00

will you still be my friend if one day, i tell you i had fall for someone but, that someone is not you?

i didn't want to hurt you. i know how it feels to be rejected. my feelings for you is just how i felt for other guy friends i had.what differs you from them is how you had treated me. you're a nice, good-hearted person.

i have to thank you for boosting my confidence and allowing me to be the crazy me. thanks to you too, i've found the old me. i don't want to be with you because i feel indebted to you. you had been a GREAT friend.

i really hope that you won't slowly disappear from my life. i need a great friend like you.

missing.

2008-10-25T00:04:00.003+08:00

was reading a random blog. in her blog, she had pictures of her trip to bintan. i was reminded of someone. gosh! a tinge feeling of missing him came. i still remember how excitedly you told me about your trip. memories of you flooded my head. the most memorable time i had with you, though it was for one night only, was when you showed me the beauty of henderson bridge from your window. i really miss you, mr A especially during the times we webcam.

if you, if you could get by
trying not to lie
things wouldn’t be so
i wouldn’t feel so used
but you always really knew
i just wanna be with you

and I’m in so deep
you know I’m such a fool for you
you got me wrapped around your finger
do you have to let it linger
do you have to.
do you have to
do you have to let it linger

linger by cranberries

farewell.

2008-10-22T22:46:00.003+08:00

you have the gift of the gap. you can manipulate words and minds. you had always think highly of yourself. great job you've done to yourself. applause.
today was the day i wanted to put my foot down and call it quits. but being a mind and words
manipulator, i gave in yet again.

once you get engage, what will happen then?

letting go of you, was what i had done a long time ago. but you keep coming back. so you said, i'm so good that you keeping coming back for more. how sweetly you put. and, am i suppose to feel oh-so- proud that i am only good at giving you pleasure?

i'm tired. i told you. but you, being typically you, selfish narcissist still DEMAND for what you need.

that shall be your last.

say, a farewell bj.

fall.

2008-10-19T22:05:00.003+08:00

today my horoscope says,"there is someone out there who loves you very much. you'll be together once he figures out how to get out of his padded cell."

hmm... wondering who is the guy. is he ever going to get out of the padded cell and save me, THE damsel in distress?

well, dear God, he is somewhere out there but when am i going to be brave enough to FALL in LOVE again.

where oh where are u?

apology.

2008-10-08T23:50:00.003+08:00

here's an excerpt from 'the last lecture' by randy pausch. hope everyone can learn from it.

apologies are not pass / fail. i always told my students: when giving an apology, any performance lower than an A really doesn't cut it.

half-hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologising at all because recipients find them insulting. if you've done something wrong in your dealings with another person, it's as if there's an infection your relationship. a good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt into the wound.

.....i'd start by describing the two classic bad apologies:

"i'm sorry you feel hurt by what i've done." (this is an attempt at an emotional salve, but it's obvious you don't want to put any medicine in the wound.)
"i apologise for what i did, but you also need to apologise to me for what you've done." (that's not giving an apology. that's asking for one.)

proper apologies have three parts:

what i did was wrong.
i feel badly that i hurt u.
how do i make this better?

yes, some people may take advantage of you when answering question three. but most people genuinely appreciate of your make-good efforts. they may tell you hoe to make it better in some small, easy way. and often, they'll work harder to help make things better themselves.

"what if i apologise and the other doesn't apologise back?"
"that's not something you can control, so don't let it eat at you."

if other people owe you an apology, and your words of apology to them are proper and heartfelt, you still may not hear from them for a while. after all, what are the odds that get to the right emotional place to apologise at the exact moment you do? so just be patient. your patience will be both appreciated and rewarded.

i sent him a sms on the night of hari raya. seeking forgiveness for the hurt i caused. but i did not include the 'how do i make this better?'. not courageous enough. i guess, i just have to be patient and wait since, i may not be hearing from him for a while.

like.

2008-09-28T03:20:00.003+08:00

like is an understatement. thank you all for liking me. liking me for who i am. my clumsy-ness, not so noisy me, my nonsense and whatever antics you like in me. thank you, i appreciate it a whole lot.

every action has an equal or opposite reaction. -newton's law.

the feeling of liking me may be reciprocate or the opposite. i see you guys as friends. someone who i can gossip, talk, tease and also be my aunt agony and vice verse. i really do appreciate friends like you. but when there's an intention of bringing the friendship a level higher, i'm rather ignorant to such signs or hints though it is obvious. for a reason, i do not wish to be implicated into that game anymore. convincing, coaxing or even showing immerse interest, care and concern will not move me to fall in love for you. trust me, it takes more than that to melt a stoned heart. and also chemistry.

i'm in for the dating game but to love again, that is out of the question.

wishing all Muslims Eid Mubarak. My sincerest apologies for any sarcasm or if i've unintentionally hurt anyone's feeling. forgive me please.

teachers.

2008-08-31T22:04:00.002+08:00

a teacher's prayer.

i want to teach
my students how to
live this life on earth
to face struggles
and it's strife
and how to improve
their worth.

not just the lesson in a book
or how the rivers flow
but how to choose the correct path
wherever they may go.

to understand eternal truth
and know the right from wrong.
and gather all the beauty
of a flower and song.

for if i help the world to grow
in wisdom and in grace
then i shall feel that
i have won
and i have filled my place.

and so i ask
your guidance, dear God.
that i may do my part
for character and confidence
and happiness of heart.

happy teacher's day!

...and happy fasting to all muslims!
may you have the strength to go thru the endurance tests given by Him.
insyallah.

hilarious.

2008-08-29T21:59:00.007+08:00

the bottom line

lighten up about yourself! stop dwelling on your worries and start getting silly.

in detail
lighten up about yourself! no matter how bad things may or may not be right now, there is plenty of stuff in your life that you can celebrate. so stop dwelling on the worries and the woes that have been swirling around your head lately. flip through some old photos and laugh at the haircuts you thought were cool and the fashion mistakes you made. bake yourself a batch of your favorite cookies and eat them all by yourself! Just be silly and avoid getting too deep into your own thoughts.

well, i've stop dwelling on my worries. cause i've solve it my way. hilarious incident, i can say. that's the silly thing i did. haha!

'plenty of stuff in your life that you can celebrate.' of course, a week of school holidays. just a day to work out of the week holiday. meeting ikel this weekend. more camwhoring and crazy-ness. in fact, i've spend almost every weekend with him. and i'm not complaining at all. i enjoy every minute of it. yipee! booze and tanning. i'm going to be so tanned and healthy looking. may the sun shine brightly all weekend.

today, i've receive more presents than on my birthday. haha!

happy teacher's day!

pencil.

2008-08-22T23:05:00.004+08:00

here's a story of the pencil. excerpt of 'like the flowing river' by paulo coelho
a boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. at one point, he asked:
"are you writing a story about what we've done? is it a story about me?"
his grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
"i am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil i'm using. i hope you'll be like this pencil when you grow up."
intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. it didn't seem very special.
"but it's just like any other pencil i've ever seen!"
"that depends on how you look at things. it has five qualities which, if you manage to hand on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.

first quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a had guiding your steps. we call that hand God, and he always guides us according to His will.

second quality: now and then i have to stop writing and use a sharpener. that makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he's much sharper. so you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrow, because they will make you a better person.

third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. this means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps us on the road to justice.

fourth quality: what really matters in a pencils is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. so always pay attention to what is happening inside you.

finally, the pencil's fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be more conscious of that in your every action."

fun.

2008-08-11T23:16:00.003+08:00

since friday i'm off and back to work on tuesday. whoa! what a super long weekend.

friday 08.08.08, i did some housewifey duties. did some marketing and housecleaning but no cooking. helped mummy to prepare for saturday's outing to sugei buloh nature reserve park.
on this day too, i declared my feelings for a guy. only one person got to see the agony i had to go through. but, too bad he wasn't in the state to be in a relationship but was ok to be farking. sheesh! disappointed by his rejection but no regrets. at least i know what kind of guy he is. and by the way, he is the only guy i tell how i strongly feel about. it is a lucky date but ain't so lucky for me.

saturday 09.08.08, met up with my aunts i.e my support system. teehee! well, gossiped while walking through nature. reached home at 5pm and straight to bed. shag!!
woke up cause someone called and told him i was napping but he can't seem to understand. he needed explanation. and sucky, i couldn't get back to sleep. sheesh! chatted for a while and then got dressed for party. a girlfriend asked a date to MOS. well, called a crazy dude up to join me. met him at dobhy ghaut station. took a train to clarke quay but ended up at little india instead. cause i got the stations wrongly. damn! last train at lil' india left us just two minutes ago. of all places to get stuck at. ended up we took a cab. haha!
danced the night away. reached home around 7am.

sunday 10.08.08, woke up slightly before dusk. damn, my whole body ache! slacked home the whole day. slept around 3am.

monday11.08.08, slacked around for almost the whole day too. popped by my cousin's place for a while and head back home around 10pm.
a year ago, on this date, farid and i officially broke up. cheers to a whole year of singlehood!

gosh! back to work tomorrow!

have a great week!

alone.

2008-07-28T23:18:00.002+08:00

its a monday. most people were having monday blues but me, i was taking it easy. woke up very early and send the uniform back. then, i head to changi village. bought myself breakfast and went to the beach. enjoyed the morning sun, sea breeze and sound of the waves. all by myself. for once, i love what i was doing. i needed the time alone. i should have done this a long time ago but work and career had been getting in my way.

there's more to life than work.

take a break and enjoy the people around you before they vanish one by one and leave you all alone.

though i like being alone, i realised when i have a boyfriend, i want his attention. i like him to pamper me. maybe because i'm mummy's girl and am very pampered. i admit. is it a weakness? am i being too demanding?

i'm a self-declared emotionally high maintenance girl. love me or buzz off!

ditch.

2008-07-22T23:52:00.002+08:00

have i finally found him? no, he finally found me. he reached his destination after a long time. dear God, he is not a godsend kind of guy. but i surely am thankful that he manage to soften the hard-hearted me. he is definitely not on impulse decision. i followed my heart and i'm sure that he is the one for me, on top of all the other guys.

ditch the past and shall enjoy my present with him.

dear, i love you!

rollercoaster.

2008-07-17T18:30:00.003+08:00

you just had to put me through another rollercoaster ride. why don't you push me off the tallest building and bid me goodbye? what wrong have i done to you that you had to be so cruel to me? i had always been there when you needed me. except today. for a reason, you are getting engage this weekend. just today, i did not oblige you made me feel guilty. hopelessly guilty. we should have had a clean break from the start. but having to go through the emotional detachment was unbearable for me. we agreed on the solution we came up. i did not regret. now, you had to give me shit when i did not oblige. what's wrong with you?

declarations.

2008-07-16T02:58:00.002+08:00

they declared their feelings for me. i'm thankful. but, it leaves me confuse. i said i'm not ready for a relationship. in fact, i'm waiting for someone. i don't know what he thinks of me. he can just make me smile. everytime i see him online, i get an anxiety attack. exaggrating. i don't wish to come across as pushy or too obvious.

i'm lost.

opportunity.

2008-07-10T22:02:00.002+08:00

sad. i'll be leaving my children. i really can't bear to do so but opportunity knocks only once. the new place pay better and i will be taking a class of my own with an assistant. with His blessings, i'm doing pretty well in my career. thank God. i pray hard that this job is one i can stay for long.

i'll be starting my course in aug. sacrifice all the holiday plans i had. someone told me, do my best and do it for myself. he don't care how successful i am. all he wants is satisfacation down-south. i'm no more doing it to prove anyone, i'm doing it for myself, my own future. the benchmark i set against him shall be banished.

wish me all the best!

implusive.

2008-07-02T23:05:00.002+08:00

typically a gemini. implusive behaviour. darn it! twice, i almost fall for attach guys. wtf?? was it my mistake for not asking their status? but, it is not my farking biz if they are attach. for goodness sake, the least you could do, is not give me the wrong vibes. is it my fault if your fiance or boyfriend choose to flirt with me? i'm single and i have the freedom to be friend whoever i want to. if your boys cannot behave, don't blame me.

fark it. i'm contradicting myself. i almost fall those boys. sheesh!

dear god, having your fun huh? i'm refraining from those boys whom i think is god-send. surely, they are another joke from god.

argh!

p.s i saw his recent photo, definitely another joke from god. fark! i'm having the last laugh. haha!

commitment.

2008-06-28T17:34:00.002+08:00

horoscope part one

the bottom line
patience is a virtue -- what you're waiting for will be so sweet when it arrives.

in detail
you shouldn't expect to make very much progress in anything today, but then again you don't need to make much more progress -- you are just about exactly where you need to be, so take a deep breath and relax! today will serve as simmer time for that delicious project you've put on the back burner -- remember that patience is a virtue, and what you are waiting for is going to be oh-so-sweet when it arrives. in the meantime, reconnect with a friend and have fun.

horoscope part two
if you've been waking up every morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment. indeed, events today could change your whole life, dear gemini. if nothing else, you know that it's time to make necessary changes, and you are ready to put a plan into action. sure, it's a bit scary, but you need this balance in your life.

lovescope
get ready for a special encounter with an unexpected admirer. it could be subtle or obvious that inanimate objects would get the hint, either way. keep your eyes peeled for signs that points to love.

sounds like god heard my prayers and therefore the horoscope. wonder who is it going to be. when will he come knocking? just a reminder, when you come knocking, please give it a hard one cause its a very hard door you are knocking. well, all the best to you dude!

egocentric.

2008-06-22T18:33:00.002+08:00

love-scope says,
your need for human contact may be causing you to make compromises that aren't in your best interest, dear gemini. you might want to see if you can find people whose tastes and approach to life are more like yours. for example, you just love staying in bed all day long with a good book. there are people like you out there. you just need to find them!

i need to find him?! that's a high order! i don't think there is a male soul who will love to stay in bed all day long, reading. grr...

talking of which, time to get a new novel and stay in bed all weekend. hmm... shall head to borders or times on payday.

my mind is set. i'll tender my resignation on 1st july even if i haven't get another job. it is not worth gritting my teeth for someone who is farking egocentric and have no sense of respect for my belongings. last week, i noticed that things in MY locker had been packed into a plastic bag. fark the preggie bitch! she opened my locker and pack my stuff cause i'm no more using the classroom. that is the limit. curse that you will give birth to a stillborn son. farked up bitch!

unmotivated.

2008-06-19T23:39:00.002+08:00

unmotivated. that is how i'm feeling every morning when i wake up for work. it is a drag, just the thought of going through major changes when i've adapted so well to the current management and environment. my workplace will be taken over by another management and will be going through major changes. i'm loving it, not! it is driving me crazy when i think of it. i've set my mind, by 1st july, once the company has been taken over, i'll tender my resignation letter and claim my leaves. adios!

but, i feel sad for my students. too bad i'm unable to see them grow and develop. they were my motivators but i hate changes. i'm set to leave.

so sad to say, it's been sometime since i had a good laugh. just now, mummy and me went to the movies. we watched kung fu panda. hilarious. had a pretty good laugh.

there is no secret ingredient. believe in yourself.

hardknocks.

2008-06-13T17:55:00.003+08:00

the bottom line
trust yourself -- even if you make a mistake, it will be one that will teach you.

in detail
making choices about your life based on what you think other people want you to do is not only unhealthy, it's unwise. no one knows what is best for you better than you yourself, so stop listening to the know-it-alls who just love to hear themselves talk. trust yourself -- even if you make a mistake, it will be one that will teach you an important lesson. it'll also help you avoid that same pitfall next time. independent thinking is not only healthy -- it is wise!

gosh! this is a wake-up call. "stop listening to the know-it-alls", i shall be doing just that. stop pushing your idealism onto others. are you any better? stop talking like 'i'm still an oh-so-tight-virgin' it just disgust me big-time. i think she has a split personality problem. haiz! at times, i wonder if she is who she really is. other times, i wonder where the real her have gone when she meet with the others.

well, now that we have little contact with each other, it is healthier this way.

even if i've to learn the hard way, at least i know that i've done it and seen the results myself. some people learn life the hard way.

hard knocks at every juncture, get up and face the world bravely. though the recovery journey takes a long time, at least don't be a coward and run away from the problem. the further you run, the nearer the problem is to you. you don't know who might bump into while running, is it a problem or a solver? well, the choice is solely yours to make.

me.

intrigued.

villain.

failures.

mask.

twenty-four.

iluvyou, mama.

hush.

friday.

mad hatter.

great-ness.

hide-and-seek.

two-zero-one-zero.

contradicting.

option.

ihateyou.

turmoil.

hoping.

vague.

solitary.

fade.

mercilessly.

test.

mistakes.

silence.

selfish.

reminisce.

love.

un-flaw-less.

prayer.

smile.

whacked.

escapade.

wishing.

over.

judged.

happy-ness.

surprise.

twenty-three

expectation.

reality.

shabbily.

heart.

phlegmatic.

redundant.

loneliness.

dirt.

*weeps*

anal-ysis.

imaginary.

retracted.

decipher.

killing.

hunch.

excessive.

someone.

hindsight.

brief.

emptiness.

puzzle.

sketches.

delusion.

clueless.

mask.

unrequited.

retrospect.

abandonment.

confessions.

cowardice.

hanging.

blurted.

heal.

rekindled.

solace.

regrets.

painful.

unanswered.

disappointment.

surprise!

resentment.

weeps